Losing out over parents' divorce

Dear Anne

I really really hope you can help me. I'm 17 and I feel so lonely and lost. My parents are in the middle of a divorce and I feel like the only one losing out, as my dad uses my room and I have to share with my mum which means I have no room of my own. In college I can't get motivated to do the work because I feel that because my life is going nowhere. What's the point? And I know I'm only 17 but I really want a boyfriend to look after me and take care of me but there doesn't seem to be anyone interested, and I get so jealous when my friend gets loads. I really hope you can help me and stop me feeling lonely as my days feel pointless. Thank you. Gemma

Dear Gemma

I'm sorry you're currently having such a rough time of it. Yes, at the moment you feel stuck, and that's not nice. You apparently see the future as one long, miserable continuation of what's happening now. But we travel through life, sometimes getting bogged down for a bit, and then moving on. Your feelings are sending you a message: you don't like what's happening now so you need to do something different to get it. But because you have had this dreary image of the future, and because you've been feeling powerless, it sounds like you've actually been keeping yourself stuck. It's normal. For a while, that's OK. We're all allowed to have a good wallow. But then we have to take in the information our feelings are sending us and act on it to get more of what we want.

I know it's easier said than done. But when you learn how to think clearly about your feelings, you can make good decisions for yourself that will help you get where you want to go. Neither the past nor the present are maps of the future. You are not your parents. You have different skills and abilities, and you're not locked in that current dysfunctional relationship like they are. You know you'll make different choices which are better for you, starting right now.

First of all, you've had the initiative to write in, so that's great! Next, why not go and talk with your college counsellor about what's been happening for you? You may also find it helpful to say something to your tutors about the situation at home. It's very common for students' parents to be separating and for it to have a knock-on effect on their work so don't feel ashamed. But if they know you're experiencing these things they'll probably cut you some slack about assignments, deadlines and so on. If, as seems likely, you're suffering from sleep-disturbance, depression or stress, please go and talk things through with your doctor as well. It could be that some short-term medication could help you rebalance your body-chemistry so you start feeling stronger and more on top of things.

This separation/divorce isn't just making you suffer. Your parents are suffering too. All three of you feel as though your whole lives have been thrown up into the air and you haven't yet been able to put the pieces back into the jigsaw puzzle because you're not sure yet about a lot of things. But parents survive divorce and go on (after a period of recovery) to rebuild their lives. So do children whose parents divorce. Sooner or later you'll all know where to put the jigsaw puzzle pieces this time: where you'll each live, how you'll manage your social lives and your relationships, how you'll live and work and have fun. It won't be the same as it was, but the good times will be just as much a part of your memories as they ever were, and you'll have new good times.

Now, I understand you feel powerless to help your mum and dad make more sensible decisions. That's because you are. It's not your fault. It's just a fact that children, even grown-up ones such as yourself, can't make parents behave in more mature ways or fix their unhappiness. You didn't make them get on so badly they want a divorce. Please accept that you don't have to take sides, and don't let yourself get embroiled in their quarrels or act as their messenger. You can just say, "I'm sorry you're upset but that's between the two of you and I'm not getting involved." And stick to it.

So, where do you have power? Over your own life. OK, you're stuck with battling parents right now but that's not going to be that way forever. Maybe you have a friend or relative you can stay with for a day or two to get some mental space. Whatever, you're still going to grow up and make a life of your own. You'll need to find a job, a home, a social life, interests, a community. It sounds like you've been thinking on some emotional level, "They're making me unhappy so I deserve to be unhappy, so I'll keep myself stuck by ignoring my own possibilities for change." They're not divorcing at you. They're just divorcing around you. Since you can't fix them, why not put your energy into fixing things for yourself? Why not throw yourself into your studies for a while to blank out your feelings of unhappiness and achieve some of your personal targets which will stand you in good stead in your future? Invest more time in your interests? Spend more time with your friends, letting those closest to you know what's happening for you and how you're feeling. Assuming you're in generally good health, why not take at least 20 minutes' exercise a day? This will both help you keep in shape and improve the production and take-up of feel-good hormones.

Now let's look at another thing you want: a boyfriend. You say you want one who'll look after you and take care of you. I can sympathise with your wanting that. But emotionally healthy lads don't want to be a social worker or an emotional elastoplast in their relationships. They want a girl who is emotionally available, caring and fun. (And beware of guys who try to "rescue" you because they're usually needy and hoping you'll rescue them right back, which can be fine for a while but damaging in the long term.) Looking dependent and clingy can come across as desperate, which is offputting.

For that reason I hope you'll start investing in yourself, your life, your interests, studies and friends as above. Putting all your hopes of happiness in two baskets - parents magically becoming different people, and the rescuing boyfriend - is a recipe for unhappiness. As you develop your new emotional independence, your new sense of personal value, lads will start seeing you as someone they won't have to carry but who will walk alongside them for a while. Don't forget, a date is only a couple of hours, not the answer to your prayers. Dating is a selection process, so don't feel you have to cling onto the first guy who pays you attention. You deserve good, nurturing, stable and respectful love, but like the rest of us you'll have to go through a few rehearsals before you get there. You'll need to practise being yourself around fellers, and weeding out the ones who don't value your feelings.

Well, Gemma, I hope this helps. You will make a new and happy life for yourself, keeping some of the old pieces and putting lots more good new ones in. I'm not saying it'll be easy but you'll get there one step at a time. I wish you courage and peace of mind. Good luck.