I'm 17 and over the past few months I've started having problems with my relationship with my mum. She's always been very controlling. Until recently she came into my room every day and moved my stuff even though I repeatedly asked her not to and to respect my privacy. She's always pushed me to do things even if I haven't wanted to do them, although I understand she loves me and wants me to take as many opportunities as I can and not make the same mistakes as her. But now I'm becoming more grown up, I want the freedom to make my own decisions and my own mistakes but she won't let me. I feel as if I'm suffocating. I told her I wanted to stop playing the violin because I really don't enjoy it so didn't want to play in my orchestra any more and go on the trip abroad in the summer, but she couldn't accept my decision and rang the conductor up, telling him how I felt, and then I was pressurised into going on the trip. She rings up my school frequently with queries about things like my grades and she's also rung up my workplace to ask about my next shifts even though I've told her they'll ring me if they need me. She doesn't like me going out with my friends even though I'm never in late and I let her know in advance and make my own transport arrangements. I feel like she's constantly interfering with my life, and she makes me feel guilty all the time, like I'm doing something wrong just by growing up. I've recently got a boyfriend and we've been going out a month. Every time I arrange to see him she creates a fuss. I know she doesn't want me to get hurt and she doesn't trust him, but she won't let me live my life. It makes it very hard for me to see him without fighting with her. I get very confused because she makes me feel like I'm being selfish but when I reflect on my behaviour I realise that I'm not. I've never given her a reason not to trust me. I work hard at school, and I've never drunk or smoked or done anything irresponsible. I've tried talking to her about the way I feel, but when I tell her I really don't want to do something that she wants me to do she says it's for my own benefit. I know she loves me and wants the best for me but I feel so pressurised by her. Everything becomes a struggle and we end up arguing. Even if it's something like going to my friend's house for a few hours and I've told her a week in advance, she still makes a fuss about it for no reason, and tell me that she's been stuck on her own in the house and that I'm out all the time. It just makes me feel so bad. How can I try and communicate with her better? Jess
Dear Jess
Oh, mothers! They mean so well but sometimes they do so badly, don't they? It sounds like you've been handling this difficult situation well. You've shown her you're responsible and hard-working, you describe a polite and assertive approach in making your requests, and still she "makes" you feel guilty.
So long as you really are responsible and polite, then there's something else going on, isn't there? It sounds like rather more than just the usual teenage individuation struggles. Could it be that she doesn't have anything else in her life? Does she fear abandonment? You'll know the answers to these questions by observation.
And when you arrange to go over to your mate's or out with your feller, you let her know who, when, where, how long, transport and how you're keeping yourself safe (as you have been doing). And then, whether she argues or not, you go as and when you've said, coming back on time as ever. You don't argue back. You just say calmly and as often as necessary, "I take your point, Mum, but I talked to you about this (last Tuesday). Love you. See you later."
You see, she can try and hand you guilt. You don't have to take it.
If your mum does lots of feeling sorry for herself, be sympathetic. Time-limited if you're just leaving, but definitely sympathetic. Then load on some flattery: "You're such a lovely person, Mum. I don't like you being lonely. What can you do about it?" Be very careful, though, because this might lead you into a game of "Why don't you ...?" To which she replies with the reciprocal game of "Yes, but ..." Your object in playing this game is to help her build a new life so she lets go of yours, but hers is to stay in contact with you, which she can do with a long series of "Yes, buts". It ends with both of you feeling frustrated, misunderstood and undervalued. If you find yourself playing this game, move into flattery again. "Well, I don't have to tell you how to live your own life, do I? You're such a lovely, interesting person and you have such a lot of skills that you can make your own life as rewarding as you want, can't you?" You might, not at a time when she's invited you into this game, perhaps find an Adult Education leaflet or a list of activities she might like at your community or leisure centre, and say, "Oh, this looks interesting, doesn't it?" And leave it at that. You don't want her interfering in your life so make sure you don't interfere back!
If she is trying to guilt-trip you, name the game. "Mum, it sounds like you want me to feel guilty. Do you?" 9 times out of 10 the person will retreat with, "No, of course not." If she says yes, you could tell her gently, "Mum, I love you but I'm not going to feel guilty because I've got friends and interests. You've got a lot of resources. Can't you think of anything to do that would make you happy?"
A word on behalf of mothers: it is painful to think of your child growing up and away from you, but once the children are off your hands you have your life back and you can make it what you will. A healthy relationship is one where you encourage the kids to spread their wings, knowing you love them and are always there for them even when you've cut your apron strings.
I wish you a great life, Jess. I'm sure you'll still let your mum figure in it when you've left home. Good luck.
