Mum puts me down

Dear Anne

Me and my mum don't get on. She is always yelling and whenever I try to talk to her she always shuts me out. She has recently brought my sister a car and that is all the whole family talk about, but whenever I try to mention something about the car she looks at me like I am not allowed to join in the conversation. My sister is leaving for university in August and ever since she recieved her acceptance letter my mum has ignored me. It's like I'm invisible. My mum and my nan have a bad relationship and I think that my mum suffered from post-natal depression when I was born. When my sister leaves for university I'm thinking of getting a flat so that my mum and I can have some distance. Is there anywhere to go or a way to solve the problem? She refuses to talk to me. Catherine

Dear Catherine

I'm sorry your mum and you have such a troubled relationship. Before you make big decisions like leaving home, let's think about some ways of helping you to feel better about all this.

Post-natal depression can have a damaging effect on how a mother sees that child. Transactional Analysts talk about the "torn mother script", and from what you've intimated, it's possible that this has coloured how your mother relates to you. As you grew up aware of the difference in how she treated you and your sister, you'll almost certainly have thought at least some of the time that it was somehow your fault. You're likely also to have been angry with your sister for having been given preferential treatment at your expense. You'll probably have been afraid that your mother will never love you and therefore you'll probably have been prone to doubting your own lovability. And it sounds like you're getting to the point where you hope that if only you can persuade her, your mother will start to treat you with more love and inclusion.

It's only natural that you'll have covered your hurt with anger, and that you've wanted your mother to acknowledge your feelings, apologise and make redress. And you've been frustrated because she's not done that. Sadly, you may have to accept that, at least for the moment, your mum doesn't have enough emotional energy available to take care of your feelings because she's too bound up in her own. Right now you're probably thinking, "Enough about her! I'm the one who wants help!" but in order to get yourself more of what you want, you need an understanding of why all this has happened to you, so please bear with me for a minute while we talk a bit more about mothers and how they mother.

Has your mum had a good example of how to mother? No. Therefore she starts with all kinds of personal insecurities, short-comings and self-blame, which she tries not to face up to. Post-natal depression is a whole cocktail of feelings in response to hormones, thoughts about circumstances and oneself. Commonly the person with PND feels fearful and inadequate, confused, guilty and out of control. While the hormones may sort themselves out over time, the person may believe, because of general low self-esteem, that the distorted thinking involved in PND is actually a real picture of how she is, how life is, how mothering that child is. One common response is to interact only reluctantly with that child because when she's with that child she's reminded of how poor a mother she's been. As the child grows away from her yet continues to remind her of her inadequacies, the mother may attempt to interact even less with that child, and less still if the child apparently wants her to face up to her inadequacies and repair the damage she (the mother) has caused. Yet the mother may have bonded more readily with another child with whom she didn't experience PND. Does all this ring any bells?

So where does that leave you? With some new tactics for dealing with your painful situation. You now have choices. You can continue to look to your mother to "make" you feel better, with the frustration and sorrow that has always got you. Or you could build up your confidence, perhaps with working through some self-help books like The Positive Woman by Gael Lindenfield, Toxic Parents - how to overcome their hurtful legacy and reclaim your life by Dr Susan Forward and my own Is Your Family Driving You Mad? and perhaps also through counselling. You could email admin@ita.org.uk asking for a list of Transactional Analysis practitioners in your area, as TA has some particularly good analytical and therapeutic tools for redressing hurt such as yours as well as techniques for dealing with that damaging relationship. Or you could ring round therapists listed in Yellow Pages under Counselling & Advice to find one you feel comfortable working with. Instead of trying to break into that original bond she has with your sister and asking more from your mother than she has been able to give, you might acknowledge that through no fault of her own she has been emotionally crippled. You may even feel sorry for her and at some point mentally forgive her for all she has been unable to do. The forgiveness isn't for her benefit, it's for your own. After all, it's no good going into a shoe-shop and asking for eggs, if you see the parallel. Instead you may decide to spend some relaxed time with your mum doing things she enjoys, even if it's only watching some of her favourite TV programmes and talking about them in a positive spirit. If you're willing to do this, and she's able to do it with you, you might be able to build up a new adult-adult relationship with her.

Meantime you could look to friends for emotional nourishment, invest energy in your studies or career, take up new interests and generally expand your life. By concentrating on making your own life as rich and rewarding as possible, you'll not only feel happier, you'll develop higher self-esteem and greater independence. You're not responsible for the parenting you received while you were growing up, but you can take responsibility for playing the cards you were dealt in ways that support you.

As for her yelling, are you willing to ask yourself honestly if there's anything you do which invites it? Do you perhaps display jealousy of your sister or come across as critical and hostile? Do you appear irresponsible? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, what are you prepared to do about it? Try offering your mum a bit of nurturing, be it only offering to make her a cup of tea or wash up without being nagged. Demonstrate your maturity by acting responsibly and with consideration, knowing you're offering a positive role-model and can therefore feel proud of yourself even if she's not up to reciprocating.

If your mum is able to, she'll slowly begin to rebuild her relationship with you. If she isn't able to, then when you've made all your preparations, you can leave without burning bridges. You don't say how old you are, whether you're financially independent yet or are still working towards that. But the more you've developed your confidence, the more options will be open to you, so when you do leave you'll have a support-structure already in place: job, money, friends, socal life and so on.

I'm sorry your family hasn't been fair to you so far. But step by step you'll become the free, loved, wonderful and unique individual that you want to be. Good luck, Catherine.