Can I stop Mum's depression?

Its a question that regards my Mum. She's having difficulty forgetting the past and doesn't know how to keep her mind occupied without obsessively cleaning, or watching mindless rubbish on TV. She has a wonderful house in a lovely area, but doesn't seem to enjoy it there or anywhere she has ever lived, in fact. It's seriously affecting the relationship between her and her boyfriend, and I feel very sorry for him. She has refused counselling and other means of trying to help, so is there a way of helping her help herself and their relationship that she would possibly respond to? I love my Mum and really hate to know that she's not happy. Please help. Jim

Dear Jim

I'm sorry you're so anxious about your mum. It's great that you want to help her. However, let me play devil's advocate for a moment and ask what she's getting out of refusing trained help for her sadness. The only possibility I can see is that she believes hanging onto her sadness is a way of keeping you (and maybe others) around. She has you worried so you see a lot of her. She may fear that if she did get better she'd see less of you or of her feller. It's a very common pattern of behaviour and it's tied to low self-esteem.

I'm wondering how you're feeling as you read this. You may be thinking that I'm heartless, I don't understand or I'm being deliberately unhelpful as well as critical of your mum. I'm sorry if you feel that way but actually I'm offering a positive way forward for both your mum and yourself. Although you may want to protect her from the consequences of her actions - keeping herself isolated, dwelling fruitlessly on the past, obsessive cleaning, watching mindless programmes on TV and looking to others to be responsible for her happiness - it's only when she herself realises that these behaviours are serving to keep her stuck that she'll be able to make the decision to start doing something different. Often it's only when someone hits rock bottom that they begin to make new and self-supportive choices.

I'm about to make a proposal you'll probably hate but I do invite you to consider it since I make it with positive intentions for you, your mum and her boyfriend. When next you feel tempted to make helpful suggestions that go, "Why don't you ...?" and she says "Yes, but ..." why don't you tell her, gently but firmly, that you love her but you don't like the way she won't take responsibility for her own happiness? You could add, "You know there are possibilities for change and growth. Other people take them and you could too. What might you do for yourself?" She may be able to think of visiting the doctor, finding a counsellor, going to websites such as www.depressionalliance.org or my own www.emotionalmagic.net, taking a walk somewhere nice every day, ringing a friend for a chat, arranging outings, contacting the local vicar or other religious leader, helping out at a charity, getting a book on overcoming depression out of the library, taking up meditation classes or some other interest ... But your half of this is not to make those suggestions again or you'll just end up in another frustrating game of "Why don't you ...? Yes, but ..."