My husband vs the kids

I love my husband of 2 years very much. I have two teenage girls from my previous marriage living with us. My husband, after saying he accepted them as part of the package with me, is fed up with having them here. He wants to come home to a quiet house each evening and not hear them squabbling, their music etc. He has said he wishes he was single again and living on his own. I was distraught at this and he apologised but I know he still thinks it. I would do anything for him, he is so important to me, but I equally cannot turn my back on my children. The eldest will soon be 18 and he says she should leave home. She is high on the drama and mood swings which he cannot deal with. His daughter was 8 when he divorced his wife and has always lived a long way away so he hasn`t had to deal with the issues we have now, even though her mother did. He says he feels cheated, but it`s me who feels let down. I was very honest with him from the start but sadly he didn`t calculate how difficult family life can be. I know we will eventually be together alone to do what we want but he is not patient enough to wait. It frightens me that this may all be an elaborate excuse to regain his freedom. We do talk but I always end up apologising and feeling the under-dog. I feel we are living a normal hectic family life, which is what he maybe realises he doesn`t want now, and is why he gave it up first time around. He wants answers from me but I am finding it hard to find them. Mandy

Dear Mandy

You have my sympathy. Family life isn't easy, and step-family life is often even more challenging. I'm sorry your husband has been taking this oppositional stance instead of co-operating with you and the girls to make things OK for all of you. That way you'd have four people all pulling in the same general direction, though I do recognise that however practical and intelligent they are, at times kids can be moody and behave selfishly or like drama-queens.

It's not just up to you to find the answers. If you could do that on your own, you already would have. Your isolated efforts haven't got you very far because one person can't fix other people's behaviour. You don't need to feel guilty because you were open about the girls from the start, you've given it your best shot and inevitably hit the brick walls of others' resistance %u2013 including your husband's. You've been trying to carry the family can all on your own so you feel frustrated and unsupported. So what now?

While you are responsible for yourself and, to an extent, for your girls, your husband's an adult and therefore responsible for himself. It could be worth your trying the ERO technique: empathise, reflect and own. The next time he says he feels cheated, empathise (that is, sympathise), reflect (acknowledge what he feels cheated about) and own (that you feel let down too). Then you could ask him for his help since he is your partner and the other adult in this situation.