Dear Anne
I'm 15years old and never had a boyfriend. Because of this I started to feel unwanted and ugly. A month ago, however, I started going out at nights with a boy in my form. After a while we started flirting and although we had never kissed he wanted me to bring him to orgasm by masturbating him. I wanted him to like me and thought he would reject me if I didn't so I did what he asked. We have been doing things like this for weeks now but still have never kissed. The problem is that I think he is embarrassed about me as he hardly talks to me in school and I think I love him. I don't know what to do and don't think I have the will-power to stop going out with him. I just want to feel loved. Candy
Dear Candy
Thank you for your letter. Being 15 can be really tough and lots of girls know exactly the kind of pressures you're under.
Most people want to feel loved. However, if you did feel loved by this guy, you wouldn't be writing in to me, would you? He doesn't kiss you, he doesn't acknowledge that you're boyfriend and girlfriend. I don't know how you feel about this but I'd hate it if it happened to me. I do understand that you get some attention from this guy %u2013 but don't you feel used? Hurt? Angry? When you used to dream of being loved, did the guy in your dreams treat you as badly as this?
When you really get in touch with your feelings %u2013 all of them, not just the ones you think you're supposed to feel %u2013 you'll recognise you're not happy in this half a relationship. You matter as much as anybody else in the world and I'm sorry you're being treated this way. You've discovered that guys who pressure you into sexual contact aren't treating you with respect and it doesn't buy their love either. You deserve better. When you let yourself acknowledge this, you'll find the will-power to stick up for yourself. You don't have to be nasty to him or about him. You could just say that you don't want to go out with him any more. I recognise that he might then be unpleasant to you, so let's talk about that.
Actually he already is being unpleasant to you. Think about this for a moment: if an armed robber threatens a shopkeeper, does the shopkeeper need to feel guilty? Of course not. It's the aggressor who's behaving badly. So do you need to feel bad about yourself because this lad behaves the way he does? No, you don't. His unpleasant behaviour is about him, not you. He has choices. He could treat you with affection, care and respect. He could leave you feeling valued and secure. But he doesn't, because like the robber, that's the kind of person he is.
Why not tell one or two of your mates that you and he have been going out but you didn't like the way it was going so you've split up? You don't have to go into details. That way, if he should start gossipping about you, you'll already have laid the groundwork for your defence. Anyway, gossip doesn't last long, and who knows? He might keep quiet because he's the one who's been behaving badly.
I hope, Candy, that you will now start using dating as a selection process, one where you have the right to weed out guys with whom you don't feel accepted. In the meantime there are plenty of other areas of life where you can find rewards: friendships, interests, studies, maybe even family and community. Once you feel better about yourself, you'll feel more independent and you'll have more fun too. You'll find a boyfriend soon enough. People tend to take you at the value you put on yourself. Have fun, like yourself, and good luck!
