Dear Anne
I am having a lot of problems at the moment with sex. I find that after having sex it is 2-3 hours before I can get an erection again. I am 39 years old and this is becoming very frustrating for my partner and myself. I haven't had this problem before. Is there anything I can do about it or is it an age thing? Mick
Dear Mick
I do understand your frustration. I'm also wondering, though, what other thoughts you are having about this side of things. Some men unjustifiably label themselves a failure and this worry can have a damaging effect on performance.
The trouble is, though, that lots of men do regard making love as a performance. It's as if one setback cancels out the fact that you and your partner have already made love once. Instead of regarding this as a problem and worrying, how about rejoicing in the fact that you have given your partner and yourself pleasure on the physical and emotional levels? It's also worth knowing that you may have been projecting your own frustrations onto your partner. Unless he or she has come out and said they want more, can you be sure that actually they're not in the least worried with things as they are?
Women are less likely to see sex as a performance and therefore don't so often get in a state about it. For most women lovemaking is much more to do with feeling loved and cared for than about a simple orgasm which they could get by masturbating!
It may be that your partner wants another orgasm. You don't need an erection for that! Manual and oral stimulation can be most enjoyable in themselves. In fact more people experience orgasm that way than through normal penetrative sex.
You also ask if needing a couple or more hours to regain your orgasm is an age thing. It's possible. It's quite common as men get older. Mostly, though, it's related to anxiety, which could be stemming from some other situation entirely, and then aggravated by your worry about this. If you are fretting, you could go to the doctor for a check-up, but as you're already functioning OK sexually, there doesn't seem on the face of it to be anything wrong. It may be, though, that the doctor can set your mind at rest.
Why not just be in the pleasure of the moment and enjoy that closeness? Let what happens happen, and make the most of the experience! I wish you both pleasure and peace of mind. Good luck!Back to Ask Anne
