Dear Anne
My husband is in the army and we have recently returned from Germany. Whilst there I had a friend who had many problems. She was in a loveless marriage but had two children. She also had psychiatric problems and tried to take her own life. She would have left her husband had she been able to afford it. I feel really guilty now as I have had no contact with her since I left and I'm worrying in case she feels like I have let her down as everyone else had. I did not tell her my new address as I think she will just turn up and complicate my life again. What should I do? Anonymous
Dear Anonymous
I do understand how conflicted your feelings are. On the one hand, you want to support this poor woman in her difficulties, but on the other hand you have enough complications in your life already.
However, true friendships aren't built on one person being needy, but on both people supporting and caring about each other. The give and take has to go two ways. It sounds like you did most of the caretaking in that relationship but you are not responsible for this woman's wellbeing, feelings, behaviour or anything else. You're only responsible for your own (and any pre-adult kids you might have). Also, despite your best efforts, she didn't feel able to be positive. You couldn't live her life for her. You did your best while you were with her but now you're not with her. Her life is her own to make the best use of that she is able to. She and she alone is responsible for any decisions and reactions she makes when things happen to her. I hope she will find the help she needs but it could well be professional help, don't you think?
I'm glad for your sake that you have decided you don't need draining people in your life. You're allowed to have good, solid, nurturing friendships in your life. You're obviously a kind, caring, supportive person and I hope you have kind, caring, supportive people in your future. Good luck to you!
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