Dear Anne
I'm 23 years old and have been in a relationship for 3 years now. At first it wasn't that great. We had a lot of rows and he let me down several times, hurting me so much. We have finally got through it and I do trust him now. We get on great and my family really like him. We are both ready for the next step in our relationship which is to move out, but there are problems. My boyfriend has been studying to be a plumber for ages now but he's had family problems etc. which have always put his career on hold. I spent weeks phoning different plumbers looking on the internet for him and he seemed to do nothing about it, which caused a lot of arguments as it seemed I was more bothered about his career than he was. Luckily my dad managed to find him a plumber so he can finish off his apprentiship but with the current climate he has been laid off. Fortunately he has done the practical which means he only needs to take exams for him to qualify. I do a lot of things for my boyfriend. He doesn't drive so I take him places, cook for him, even buy him things like a plumbing book to revise for his exams. He's been studying for months now and I keep saying to him, "When are you booking your exams?" but months pass and yet no movement. He needs to qualify to work with his current employer so he has no job or money coming in at the minute. This is soooo frustrating as it also stops us going out together and most importantly saving for our own place. We were supposed to start saving over a year ago! He feels I'm constantly going on at him, but I'm trying to make him realise that if this carries on there won't be a relationship as I can't put up with this any more. He turns around and says he can't put up with me going on at him any more. I love him so much and so want this to work. Why can't he get off his backside and start thinking about our future and also his future? Is it because he thinks I'm always going to be there no matter what? I really need some advice as to what to do. Thanks for listening. Mairead
Dear Mairead
How frustrating for you! And how annoying for him. You come across as more like his mother than his partner - and what guy in his right mind wants to marry his mum? I understand that you love him and you say you get on great, but what you're describing is a conflicted relationship with nagging, rebellion, frustration and arguments. And of course you don't trust him to get off his backside because he hasn't.
What you see is what you get. Some guys have drive and some guys don't. Some guys act to build the future they want and others just talk about it. How about trying something different? Letting him get on with his life in his own way and at his own pace. That at least shows him some respect. You can stay friends with him, stay as his girlfriend, just cut out the nagging, criticism and pressure. In your mind you might set a cut-off point of, say, six months. If at the end of that time he hasn't sorted out his job and his income, you might decide to accept that he is who he is - someone with good qualities but negative ones too - and move on. Whether that's to looking for a different relationship with a bloke you genuinely do respect is up to you.
But don't let that six months turn into an empty waiting-room. If you want to go out, go out with friends. If you want to work on anyone's flaws, look to your own. However little you respect his choices, isn't it time to acknowledge that you're putting up with a guy who isn't a self-starter? Why are you doing that to yourself? How long are you going to keep doing it? You can only live in the present, not in that mythical future. You can save up for your future even if he doesn't. You can learn assertiveness skills so you don't alternate between passivity and bullying.
It's your life, Mairead, and not his that you've been given to live. What are you going to do to make it rewarding for yourself?
I wish you both all the best - but whether you're best for each other has yet to be discovered. Good luck.
