Dear Anne
I have just got back with my ex-boyfriend with whom I had split up after six and a half weeks. After just one week of being back together I snogged someone else at a party after drinking. I do and don't regret it happening. My boyfriend means a lot to me and the guy was kind of a good mate. I decided to forget that night and follow through my relationship with my boyfriend. I am in an even more of a mess as I went away with my church and at the time I was in the early stages of becoming a Christian. There was a nice guy who also went, who is not a full Christian believer. I really fell for this guy after getting to know him. He is a great guy and when I bumped into him again four months later I liked him more than I liked anyone.
The thing is I am 16, he is 18 and I am not sure how he feels about me, although he did keep looking back at me when we parted. I would love to go out with him but I have a boyfriend who loves me and I don't want to break up again and have him hate me. I might regret it but I'm not sure. Please help me try and make a good decision. Thanks. Carla
Dear Carla
It's hard being sixteen, isn't it? Everything seems so all-or-nothing and irrevocable, and it's easy to think you're somehow responsible for other people's feelings, which you're not. Let's tackle your problems one by one.
Firstly, can you really love someone after six and a half weeks? Not really. There are people who believe in love at first sight, but it's far more likely to be lust at first sight, or imagining that the other person is something they're not, and falling in love with a fantasy like that is just infatuation. Good love is something the two of you build up over time, with trust and mutual support. If you really love someone you don't want to snog other people, and you don't dream of going out with someone else.
This is the time in your life where you're in the rehearsal stage of relationships. You're very unlikely to end up with any of the guys you meet over the next few years, and though you may for a while believe you're supposed to love them, casual dating is fine too. In fact treating any of your relationships now as the one
could be counterproductive. So long as you use your feelings sensibly rather than straying into should territory, and so long as you're upfront and open in relationships and expect the same from the guy, you'll have a better time of things. If the two of you want different things out of life, you're each allowed to go your separate ways. It doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with either of you, or that one needs to indulge in childish hatred of the other.
As for whether the other guy that you fancy fancies you, if he does, no doubt he'9ll ask you out. If he doesn't, never mind. You obviously don't want the same things. There'll be plenty of other fish in the sea.
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