Dear Anne
I have recently split up from a 3 month relationship and then a few weeks later started dating my ex-girlfriend's close friend, which really isn't a problem although my ex-gf is jealous. I really like this girl and even though we have only been dating for a few weeks we have become very close as mates as well as a romantic couple. She has been hurt in all her previous relationships and I don't want to hurt her because she is a sensitive girl who becomes emotionally attached, but a week after I had started seeing my girlfriend, I became very close to her best mate.
We used to talk till late in the morning when my gf wasn't around, and we have come to like each other more than friends and have had a sexual relationship behind my girlfriend's back. Her friend is aware that I am dating my girlfriend and has told me she doesn't want me to hurt her because it's her best mate, but still we know it's wrong and we just can't stop from being attracted to each other! The problem is that I like being with them both for their opposite personalities. One is lively and outgoing whereas my actual girlfriend is more shy and polite.
I can't go on seeing both of them because in the end I will lose them both, but how do I decide which one I want when I feel the same feelings with them both? Man in Trouble
Dear Man
I'm not going to label you because hopefully there will come a time when you don't land yourself in hot water. Thank you for your letter, though, because it's amazing the different ways people might see the information you've given. Here are some possibilities. You will know which, if any, are appropriate and which give you cause to think.
How about from your ex-girlfriend's point of view? There's this guy who has split up with her and now, to rub her nose in it, he's dating one of her best mates. The best mate, of course, may well be perceived as disloyal, because in many circles dating your mate's ex is considered the height of bad manners. It's disregarding your mate's importance, isn't it?
How about from a laddish point of view? Cor, there's this guy with three women after him! He must be proud of himself but I bet he cops it in the neck sooner or later.
And from your gentle, vulnerable girlfriend's perspective? I'm attached to this guy who's caused me trouble with one of my best friends, his ex. He must be really special because he's paying me attention. I hope this isn't going to hurt like my previous relationships did. I hope he won't do the dirty on me because that would confirm my low opinion of myself and of men.
And from your new romantic entanglements point of view? Could it be, I'm going behind my best mate's back by having an affair with her boyfriend. I know it's immoral to hurt her but I'm going to anyway. In fact, I already have. I like men who are two-timers.
None of this just happens by itself. Either people believe in loyalty and honesty or they don't. Either they act in above-board ways or they don't. People have choices.
