Dear Anne
I am at a loss as to what to do. I am 19 years old and 18 months ago I started seeing this guy who is 22. After about 10 months I found out from his friends that he had a girlfriend and had been with her for five years. By this point I had fallen in love with him. He told me it was over and I chose to believe him. I'm not with him all the time because I am at university so I can see now how easy it would be for him to lead this double life. Then a few days ago when I saw him last he told me he couldn't see me any more. He said that he loved this other girl and he was going to ask her to marry him and that they had just bought a house together. I can't understand why someone would do this. Whilst I accept my naivety in the situation, I just don't know how he could live with the guilt. He has even taken me on holiday - several times. My friends think I should tell his girlfriend what has been going on but I'm not sure what I could say and if she would believe me. Apparently, to his friends I am known as the 'other woman' and the whole thing has just made me feel depressed. I still love him and it makes me feel bad that he doesn't want me and that he's chosen her. I'm now also feeling angry and I can't stop thinking of how I could get my own back. Please help. Sarah
Dear Sarah
How can he live with the guilt? Simple. He doesn't feel any because he doesn't have normal human sympathy. He's too selfish. He sees what he wants and is quite happy to lie to get it.
Is that the kind of love you want? Love you can't trust? You may have loved the false image he portrayed but now you know the truth. You deserve better.
The thing about vengeance is that it shows the other person they've still got power over you. If you'd taken your power back, you wouldn't care what happened to him. Also statistically people who take vengeance recover more slowly from wounded hearts than people who just make a clean break of it. The trick is that every time you think of him with longing, you remember that you were really longing for someone nice - and he wasn't it. Every time you think of him with anger, you remember he's shown his true colours and you're glad you're now free to find someone who offers real, honest love.
You may decide you want to write to the other woman and tell her briefly that you've been going out with X for 18 months because he told you he'd finished with her. Now you know he lied and you want to warn her. That's all. But if he and she are in your home town and you're still going back there to see family and friends, your manipulative ex will have plenty of time to take a revenge of his own by spreading unkind rumours about you, so you might decide not to put yourself at that risk. Instead tell your most trusted friends how he conned you but you've now found him out and want nothing more to do with him. Acknowledge you've had a lucky escape from this unfaithful, deceitful wretch. And then talk about other things.
Meantime have a brief wallow in self-pity if you want to, then give yourself a few days' cossetting. Eat your favourite foods and cuddle up with a good book or movie. Get together with your female friends and share a good moan about men - knowing that some are nice and some aren't. Then pick yourself up, dust yourself off and throw yourself as whole-heartedly as you can into your studies, your interests, your friendships. If your thoughts stray to this user, remind yourself, "Yes, but he's a git and I'm free to find good love now." Make the most of the social opportunities university life offers you. Be cheerful and outgoing. Date casually until you and some future guy decide you want to become an exclusive item where each of you puts half into the relationship and treats the other with care and respect. Make sure you both let the other fully into your lives and want the same things. Weed out the ones who don't suit you because you're better off without them.
The best revenge is going on to build a wonderful life for yourself. Good luck.
