Dear Anne
I'm a 42 year old man and I have problems with being shy. I live with my mum. It's my house but I'm too shy even to bring a girlfriend home. I guess I'm used to keeping to myself and being quiet, and I worry about what other people will think. I seem to have built a persona over the years and I find it hard to change. I hope you can help. Thank you very much. Ashley
Dear Ashley
I'm sorry to hear that you're suffering from shyness. It can be debilitating and it can cripple your life. Sometimes it feels as though it's a force your powerless against. However, it's not a force from outside you. It's a pattern of thinking you have built up over the years, and therefore you can learn to think in a different way if you choose to. You can decide who you want to become instead!
What has being shy done for you? It's got you through so far, albeit not in a very comfortable way. It was a tactic you developed in childhood, but you're an adult and you're allowed to update your strategies! In the past being shy helped you avoid attention because you feared that attention might be critical. Unfortunately, while you were hiding from others notice, you've been alone with your own self-critical thoughts which are probably even more painful. I'm wondering too whether your mother might like you being shy because it means you'll keep her around. You don't say whether your mother also criticises you, but it's a habit many mothers have. It doesn't mean they're always right, though!
So do you want to carry on hiding away and criticising yourself? If you don't want to stay stuck, isn't it time you started being aware of your own good qualities? You're obviously sensitive and caring. Aren't they qualities that girls would go for? You're internet literate, financially responsible and you probably have many other skills and achievements too. You're allowed to enjoy them! You can also work through books such as Brian Roet's The Confidence to Be Yourself, or sign on for an assertiveness or confidence course. Your local library, MIND centre or adult education centre may well point you in the direction of one they recommend.
Meantime why not start setting yourself small, achievable targets within a specific time-limit? That might include speaking to one or two strangers a week, perhaps in the queue at the supermarket. It needn%u2019t be a discourse on something learned. A remark about the weather or the service can break the ice. Most people will respond positively if they don't, either they're having a bad day or they're unpleasant - and then you'll realise that you can get little bits of positive attention. Smiling at people you work with can also be a start. Step by step you can develop new interests and new friendships. The door out of loneliness opens from the inside.
You can also go back in memory and find evidence of your ability to get positive attention. That might mean remembering a teacher who was kind to you, or a girl who smiled at you, or any other signs that people have ever valued you, even for a second. You may be lucky enough to think of friends who like you, and saying their names Fred likes me, Jean likes me can give you a real fillip.
You may also be thinking that you'd like your own space some of the time. That could mean asking your mum to stay in her room or go out for the evening if you're entertaining. It's hardly an unreasonable request!
I hope you decide that you're going to start valuing yourself. Once you do, other people will value you too. I wish you belief in yourself. Good luck!
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