Dear Anne
I have virtually always known that I am a lesbian but it has been a secret that I never comtemplated sharing with anybody. However, I am now in my late teens and my lack of any kind of relationship became predominantly obvious to people around me. I also found that as I got older, the need to be honest to others, as well as myself, became an increasing pressure.
I finally plucked up the courage to tell my closest siblings and my mother that I was gay. However I do not feel as though any kind of weight has been lifted off my shoulders. In fact I feel worse. They have accepted my sexuality relatively positively and for this I am grateful. However, I am left regretting having told them the truth. I don't understand why I now feel dirty. I never expected to feel like this but I can't stand them knowing that I'm gay. It feels completely wrong. I am so confused and struggling with this so much. I have never read of other people dealing with this and I hope that you will be able to shed some light onto the issue. Emma
Dear Emma
Sexuality is often viewed as something private, and we are reluctant to discuss it with family. Perhaps this is because they've tended to view us as children, and perhaps it's because it opens us up to thoughts of family members being sexual beings in their own right. With same-sex longings this can feel even worse because we picture our relatives picturing what we're doing! If we expect them to be judgmental, this feeling can be intense and unpleasant. Do you think this might be what's been happening for you?
In fact relatives tend to shy away from thoughts of their kin engaged in sexual activities, because they don't want us thinking about their sex-lives either. I hope you will find this of some comfort. You could also visit the London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard website at www.llgs.org.uk where you could discuss this issue and see what other people's experiences can offer you. Alternatively you could get their helpline phone number from Directory Enquiries.
Now, though, the question begins to arise of where you will find romantic partners and how yourself feel about putting into practice your sexual inclinations. Here again the LLGS may be able to help you, and you could begin safely to explore the possibilities in your local area. Like heterosexual people it can take some time to feel relaxed in sexual and romantic encounters, but it does get easier with practice.
I hope, Emma, that you will soon move past the stage where you think of yourself as dirty when you consider yourself in a sexual light. At the end of the day, that is far more important than what you imagine anyone else thinking of you. Isn't finding someone loving and supportive more important than who puts what where? I hope too that you come to see sex as part of, rather than the whole of, a fulfilling and rewarding life.
Good luck, Emma.Back to Ask Anne
