Dear Anne
I don't really know where to start. I was abused as a child and I know it's not my fault but I seem to lose everything good in my life. I'm only 21 and I had a child when I was 16. I tried so hard to love and care for him for 4 years. However I had a lot of things going on, including my mother at the time who was still controlling my life.
I had a nervous breakdown and as a result lost my son, my home and friends. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel I have come through it but I'm still not happy inside. It was hard for me to make the break from my family but it cost me everything.
I'm also having to learn to live without seeing my son because relations between me and his dad are beyond repair. Although in a year that it's happened I have a good job, friends and a boyfriend who loves me, I'm still not happy. I love my boyfriend but I think I'm destroying that as well because I don't feel wanted or special enough to him. I could go on but what's the point? I have no family and am thinking about the dad I don't know so much. I'm hurting right now and don't know which way to turn. What do you think I should do? Charlie
Dear Charlie
I'm sorry you've had such a rough time. Nobody, including you, deserves to be abused. I'm sorry that the only way you've been able to keep yourself emotionally safe is to move away from your mother. I hope, though, that you don't feel guilty about having to cut off from her. It's not something you have done lightly, or with the deliberate intention of hurting her. Like many others, you have had to take this step to maintain your own wellbeing.
So what can you do about this (I'll come back to your other points in a moment), and about all your hurt? There are various steps you can take. One of the most useful is to contact a counsellor. Your GP may be able to refer you, and in any case it's useful to let her know what's happening for you. Alternatively you could find a counsellor through Yellow Pages, or write to admin@ita.org.uk for a list of registered practitioners in your area.
A second prong of your attack on your painful feelings could be to get hold of a book called Toxic Parents by Dr Susan Forward. You may find that you can empathise with the people she writes about, and will therefore feel less isolated. This inspiring book could also help you to work through your hurt and develop your self-confidence. That way you can begin to recover your optimism.
When people have undergone abuse, it's common for them to find it hard to take in positive messages or believe that they can get and keep good things in their lives. For that reason, they may cling to unfulfilling relationships in the belief that they'll never get a better one, or they may not be able to take in the signs their partner offers that they are in fact lovable.
