Dear Anne
For the past six months I have often found six or seven of my daughter's Barbie dolls under my six year old son's pillow. He always strips them off and looks very guilty when I find them. Two nights ago I discovered him stripped off with the dolls laid out under him. He was quite obviously aroused and appeared to be rubbing himself on them. While I understand that boys of this age do find pleasure in touching themselves I am a little concerned that he is turned on by replicas of the female form.
Is this normal behaviour? Should I ignore it as I have done so far?
My husband has tried to talk to him without making an issue out of it but he says that he does not know why he does it. Please help. I am at a loss as to what to do. It is worrying me so much. Many thanks. Jo
Dear Jo
I quite understand why you are so worried. It's always disturbing to find out that your children have sexual urges however old they are, and it does seem a little premature though not unknown - on the part of a six-year-old to let his mother discover them. Perhaps you can take comfort from the fact that he says he doesn't know why he does what he does. Then again, few children of that age have the emotional or mental maturity to analyse their behaviour to any great degree.
Depending on what fits in with your family ethos around sexuality, you might suggest that while lots of little boys enjoy touching their penis in private, his sister might be cross that he plays with her dolls this way. You don't have to make a big drama out of this but a touch of mock exasperation mixed with humour might be the best tone to take. If you discover he's doing this again you might, for example, tut and roll your eyes heavenwards, saying with a grin, Come on, son. Put your pyjamas on and let's get the dolls back to your sister. It's time for sleep. You might then tell him a little story about something completely different, and make sure you spend some quality time with him before lights out. A spot of distraction could help do the trick.
At a separate time you might calmly make sure he knows to just say no if anybody wants to touch him in his private places, and that he can tell you if anyone asks to touch him or if they want him to touch them in their private places. There are some good books giving this message which you can find at your local library or bookshop. One of these is Your Body Is Your Own (It's OK to say No) by Amy Bahr but there are others written and illustrated for young children. Again it's a good idea to treat this subject with a light touch.
It may be just a phase he's going through but if this behaviour persists, you could also consider discussing things with your GP with a view to referral to a child psychologist.
I wish you peace of mind. Good luck with this!
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