Dear Anne
For the past two years my wife has not had any interest in sex. She thinks she's going through the menopause but she still has her periods. She just does not want sex and I do not know what to do. Can you help? Tony
Dear Anne
My husband has lost interest in sex. I don't understand what's going on. He doesn't go out so I know he isn't messing about, so what is it? It's been like this for the past 2 years and I am at my wits' end. He says he love me but doesn't have any interest in sex or just doesn't want it. Can you advise? ClaireDear Tony and Claire
I've put your problems together so you can see this doesn't just happen to one gender. There are all kinds of reasons for going off sex: psychological ones, such as outside stresses and pressures, or conflict within the relationship; and physical ones. The menopause, for instance, can be uncomfortable both mentally and physically. Let it also be said that the monopause is usually a prolonged event, with three different stages: perimonopausal (the first hormonal changes take place as the woman approaches the monopause; the menopause itself with hot flushes (possibly including changes in heart-rate and blood-pressure, which can be quite alarming if you don't know what they are), mood-swings which possibly affect clarity of thought, and a difference in the nature and frequency of the periods; and the post-menopause, where gradually these changes subside. A small proportion of women continue to experience hot flushes for the rest of their lives but once the periods have been finished for two years, these usually decline and disappear. Another factor is the thinning and drying of the vagina which makes sex painful, though this can be remedied by lubricants such as KY-Jelly or creams or other medication available from the doctor. The whole menopause can take years. It provokes hormonal changes that literally lower libido and can trigger thoughts about being worthless, past it, pointless, unattractive, declining to the grave and so forth.
The same kinds of thoughts can occur in men as they age, most commonly striking in the forties or fifties but possible at other stages too. As men age, it can be more difficult to get and sustain an erection, and men can view this as a sign they're no longer a "real man", thus they avoid sex since it reminds them of this gloomy (and misguided) thought. This too can usually be treated fairly quickly so it's a good idea to see the doctor, who will be used to dealing with sexual dysfunction so there's no cause for embarrassment.
In addition, relationships which are unfulfilling, stagnant, distant or sporadically hostile can put someone off sex. And, of course, if one partner has been selfish or emotionally cold during sex, or wants specific sexual activities that the other finds distasteful, the other can feel used and angry and therefore not in the mood for sex. In any case the partner who's sexually frustrated may become hostile or critical, thus making the rift wider and finding a solution more difficult.
It follows then that the best solution is that the couple can work on together to find and eliminate the cause. Loving reassurances may be particularly useful, as well as affectionate touches like hugs and kisses which are clearly not a sexual invitation, and instead designed to invite closeness. If there's some anxiety or some possible physical cause, it's worth talking to the doctor since there may be a medical solution. If it's a relationship issue, couples counselling can help the partners rediscover their love for each other and learn to feel safe during sex again. There are also counsellors, some sex-therapists and some just relationships counsellors, who can help a couple to rediscover their pleasure first in their own bodies and then in shared sexuality through an 8-week programme called sensate focus. If you and your partner are willing to seek counselling, you can ring round therapists in your area to find one who is willing to address sexual issues within a relationship and with whom you feel comfortable working. There is no need to be ashamed or embarrassed and there's no need for either of you to take your clothes off in therapy either.
However, often the person who's reluctant to have sex is ashamed, embarrassed, self-conscious or hostile towards their partner and so reluctant to discuss the issue. The Relate website (www.relate.org.uk) and the BBC website have pages about sexual dysfunction and ways to overcome it, which can be a good place to start.
It is possible to have a good, stable, loving and fulfilling life-partnership without sex so long as both parties take care to make it so. But since making love is a deep, initimate demonstration of love as well as a source of mutual pleasure, it is a great bond-builder. I hope you and your partners will be able to strengthen your relationship by working through these issues. Good luck.
