Dear Anne
A sister's marriage is floundering because of catastrophic financial meltdown. She has just had major surgery paid privately with health insurance they cannot afford but pay instead of house insurance. She is contemplating running off to America with someone she met 30 years ago who has been grooming her on the phone. Her husband is suspicious. She has told her sisters and daughter. Her hubby is a really nice guy and has got into financial crisis because he was afraid she would leave if the money ran out. She says it is none of our business because we cannot condone what she is doing. She has had a comfortable life. The man she is 'entertaining' has a wife who is gravely ill and incapacitated. He is coming to England in November for a visit. We want her to sit down with her husband and do the honourable thing. We are all close to her husband. We want to tell Mum but she is not very well. We want her to 'fess up to hubby, but she would rather just run off. Her son (24) does not know. We do not know what to do as this is going to tear our family apart. What advice should we give her? We have run out of ideas. What should we do to minimize the fallout? Jenny
Dear Jenny
I'm sorry you and various members of your family are so worried about your sister's marriage. The trouble is, your sister is an adult who is responsible for her own actions. You don't have the right to tell her what to do, and in response to your sensible advice (which she probably sees as nagging, criticism and interfering) she's alienated herself from you and yours so she's even less likely to listen.
Nobody knows what a marriage is like unless they're in it. It's quite possible that what goes on between her and her husband isn't as you have perceived it. Maybe her husband is a great guy when he's around others but completely different when the two of them are alone together. If she were happy with him she wouldn't have contemplated straying. Because she's an adult, this guy hasn't been grooming her. She has been a willing and equal participant in the transatlantic phone conversations. She's seeing something she hasn't been getting within her marriage and is willing to take drastic action to get it.
Since your niece knows, you might discuss it with her if she's willing, and ask her if she thinks you or she should tell her brother. Perhaps your niece and nephew could talk things through with their mum. They might suggest their parents have couples counselling. If the two youngsters don't want to do that (which is their right), you or your sisters might ask her if she's willing to go to couples counselling. You can explain that this may be an opportunity either for her and her husband to build a better relationship or for her to tell her husband that she's leaving, in a place that she feels safe and where he can get trained support. But the decision has to be hers.
Now, as to the wider family, you say her leaving is going to "tear you apart". Actually it gives most of you an opportunity to pull closer together while allowing the one who wants to leave just to do that. You don't have to cut off from her, which would make it more difficult for her to stay in touch with her kids. You don't have to criticise or condemn her, which isn't going to help. Offering a sympathetic listening ear might be just what she needs. Asking her if she's willing to do things is more likely to invite a positive response than telling her off. You could say you still love her even though you don't like what she's going to do, wish her happiness and hope she'll stay in touch.
As for your mum, I'd wait and see what your sister decides to do if and when she does meet this old flame. If she decides to go and your sister doesn't want to discuss it with your mum, you and your sister/s could present it to your mum in the most positive light: that it's sad X has chosen to do this, but you want her to be happy and you and the rest of the clan will rally round and be there for each other.
One more thing. Once she has seen this guy from the States, she may decide she doesn't want to be with him after all so it's probably best not to jump the gun. You might even ask her whether she's willing to tell her husband, or if she'd like one of you to. If it has to be one of you that tells her husband she's going to go, so be it, but do reassure him that she had choices and he hasn't made her run away in a cowardly fashion. You might also tell him that the Consumer Credit Counselling Services on 0800 138 1111 could help him sort out his finances, and www.divrceaid.co.uk has some great advice for adults and children affected by separations.
I am sorry because this isn't easy for any of you. I hope you all get through this tricky and painful situation in the least painful fashion you possibly can. Good luck.
