Dear Anne
I am a 21 year old guy and am studying as well as working. Three months ago in a party at my house I met this woman who is 25. We started living together since that night. It's been really nice staying with her. Neither sex nor compatibility is a problem. Recently I found out that she was in a relationship with a guy who lives in a different city. She still calls him and two weeks ago she went to stay with him for a full week. She then introduced me to another woman her age who told me that they have been sleeping together and i should just f... off. The woman I love tells me that she loves me but she will marry the other guy if he asks her. I am too young to get married but I really like her and at times think that I am in love with her. I am in a total mess. I can't study, can't focus on work and have started smoking, something I never did. Pleae advise. Penguin
Dear Penguin
I am sorry you have been so distressed over this woman. But what do you want now?
While you may have been hoping that she'd settle down with you until such time as you felt like marrying her, that doesn't appear too likely, does it? She has a boyfriend and apparently a ladyfriend too. While you find her good company and good in bed, she's not emotionally available to you, is she?
I'm wondering if part of your distress stems from self-doubts prompted by her callous treatment of you. Trust me, you have done nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing you could do differently that would change the situation to your benefit. People who behave in such cavalier fashion act only from self-interest.
From her actions it seems she has little regard for your feelings. I invite you to consider whether the love she sometimes has sometimes shown you is good. Good love is stable, supportive and secure, carried out in nourishing behaviour and kind words. Good sex, by the way, is not necessarily an indication of good love. Your sadness and anger are sending you messages. Aren't they saying that this woman is bad news? That she hurts you? Your feelings are there to protect you. Your sadnes says you need to do something different to find happiness. If you allow yourself to experience your anger towards her safely that is, without damaging her or yourself - won't you realise that you're far better off without a damaging woman like this in your life?
You deserve better, don't you? I certainly believe you do. You are kind and hospitable. You are obviously attractive and good company too. There are loads of women out there who'd want someone like you, and who would treat you far better. And in another relationship you'll be able to negotiate what you and the other person want as well as what you don't want. It's also OK to discuss what sort of relationship you both want, casual or committed, open or exclusive. And you'll make sure that the new person matches her actions to her words.
Sure, for the time being you may be very sad without this woman around. It's OK to have a good wallow for a while and treat yourself as though you were recovering from flu. For a few days you could eat your favourite foods, slop around watching videos and listening sad songs until you're ready to go to the gym for a session with a punch-bag. Perhaps then you'd be willing to go out with your mates, spend some time catching up on your studies and generally show yourself the care that you've been been squandering on someone who isn't worthy of it. You could take up new interests and meet new women, knowing that this time you won't put up with poor treatment.
Or, of course, you could try and hang onto the woman who's caused you such grief. I wish you every happiness in the future.
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