Dear Anne
I have been married for nearly 10 years to a man that seems to be totally unstable. We have four children between 13 and 2, and for two years he held down a job as a computer analyst. Once the contract ended due to the 9/11 event, he decided that he was going to get involved in business in his home country. I feel trapped and used by him and his family and I can't communicate with him, because he does not know how to hold a confrontation or respond to an intellectually challenging question.
I am now 34 years old and I have had enough of the marriage to the point where I want to leave. I am not in love with him any more. I still care for him, but as far as my heart feels the marriage is over and I am here because I don't know where to go and I can't bear to leave my younger children. What can I do? Shevon
Dear Shevon
I'm sorry you're feeling trapped and used. However, I'm wondering whether you're actually ready to decide on a plan of action. In practical terms, don't you think some more information would be useful? How can you go about gathering that? And what can you do to improve your immediate situation in the meantime?
You don't say what country you're in, nor whether you speak the local language, although if communication is generally difficult, would it be helpful to improve your command of that language? In emotional terms, you've discovered that confrontations with your husband don't get you what you want. It may be that Emotional Literacy techniques could be more useful. These help you avoid blame games which put you both on opposite sides, and help you line up on the same side to resolve difficulties. Perhaps the most important one is ERO (Empathy, Reflection, Owning) where you acknowledge the other person's feeling, reflect back what you think is the fact of the matter and then own the feelings, thoughts and behaviours which are yours while allowing the other person theirs too.
For example, you could say, You seem stressed (empathy) about business (reflection). Is there anything I can do? (owning your capability of doing something positive) Sticking to one point at a time, or better yet, one point in one conversation, can also be effective. You can, of course, use ERO to put your own feelings across too. If there's something specific you'd like changed, you can use the formula, When you ...., I feel .... so are you willing to .... instead? Being specific, rather than talking in general terms increases your chance of getting what you want, both with him and with his family. I'm sure you won't magnify bad things or discount the good things because that would be rather drama queenish, don't you agree?
Using empathy rather than confrontation may help you make the best of your situation while you do your research about what is desirable and what is possible. If you still want to leave in six months or so, you will be in a better position to know what you want to do.
