Dear Anne
Should I leave my marriage? After 14 years I have had enough. Throughout, my husband has been verbally and physically abusive (although he's only hit me twice), telling me everything is all my fault and I'm useless. He knows my weak spots are my two daughters and he will tell me I'm a dreadful mother. This then makes me feel guilty and I end up agreeing just to keep the peace. He came home with a sexually transmitted disease when I was 6 months pregnant and has told me on two occassions how he has kissed other women when he's been out with his friends for a drink. All this is my fault and he feels totally justified in doing this (he says).
He has worked permanent night shifts for most of our married life. Consequently I've more or less brought our daughters up by myself. I also have a full time job but in this I am confident, hardworking, well thought of and respected. At home I'm treated like a piece of muck and my youngest daughter has remarked on this. He will think nothing of starting a row in front of the girls and then go on and on for hours whilst I sit there. At work I don't have these problems communicating and I dread going home. My friends have often told me to leave and I was ready two years ago, then he had a car accident and needed care for a time afterwards. I know I should ak him to leave but I'm afraid of the reaction I'll get when I tell him. He's very selfish and keeps a tight hold of money telling me how much I can and can't spend. I'm in a real turmoil.
Please help. Carole
Dear Carole
Thank you for your letter. I understand how torn you are about all this. I am glad, though, that you have two loving daughters, caring friends and a job where you are valued. You have been a good wife, caring for your husband when he was ill, but don't you think you've now done your duty?
Here are a couple of questions which may provide you with a direction. You say that when he starts criticising you, you just sit there. I wonder why? You could make an excuse and leave the room, or tell him you'll have to agree to disagree. If you stay and take his verbal abuse because of fears for your wellbeing, doesn't that mean you're tacitly accepting his unkind opinions? Do you deserve such treatment? I don't think so! Do you like him belittling you and telling you of his amorous adventures? Do you really believe he'll ever change? What evidence do you have for this? Do you want your daughters to have your husband as a role-model for the men in their life?
As you're able to perform well at work, can't you apply the same skills to finding a safe escape route for you and your girls? The Citizens Advice Bureau can offer free legal advice. You could also visit the helpful website at www.womensaid.org.uk or ring Women's Aid on 0117-977-1888. Verbal and emotional abuse are still abuse, and you don't deserve that. You're entitled to find out what you need to know, and get the help that you want. It can take time to work out your escape route but once you know you're moving in your chosen direction, you'll start feeling better.
It's important that you know you don't have to believe what an abuser says. He does it to manipulate you into meeting his needs at the expense of your own. Working through books like Women Who Love Too Much (and the men who love them) by Robin Norwood could be very useful. One last point: the fact that your husband has done so much to manipulate you into staying means that paradoxically you are extremely valuable to him. You are allowed to know that other men can love and value you just as much but in ways that are nourishing, rather than damaging.
While you may have many reasons intellectually for staying, isn't the bottom line how you feel? If your husband hurts you and behaves in ways that leave you feeling unsafe and unhappy, isn't that a good enough reason to get out?
I hope too that you will start to value yourself. As a mother and a worker, you have many good qualities and skills. You have people who love and care about you in rewarding ways. Why not take their opinions, instead of this abusive man's? You deserve good things in your life, such as fun and friends. As with any other project, you can plan how to build your confidence one step at a time and then put your plans into place! I wish you and your girls the best of happiness and luck.
Back to Ask Anne
