Dear Anne
Three months ago I had a breakdown. I decided that my 4 children would be better off staying with their dad for a while. I desperately miss them and want them back to live with me again but I'm scared I may not be able to cope again. I see them as often as I want but my family keep telling me that they need to be with their mummy. They are between the ages of 2 and 10. I really don't know what to do for the best. Suzanne
Dear Suzanne
You have my sympathy. Now, though, you are starting to feel better and can realise how well you have handled what's happened, however traumatic it was. In the short term you have acted sensibly with the children's interests at heart. Now, naturally, you miss them and would like to have them back with you, and you are wise to want to work out how you can do this for their good and yours.
You don't say what treatment, if any, you had when you were feeling so low. A common symptom of breakdowns is fearing that you can't cope. The fear is not necessarily a reality! You have handled things well, making sure your children have been well cared for and have had maximum contact with you, so well done! If you haven't started to do so already, you can now plan ways in which you can get support. These could include slowly building up the number of days you have your children, starting with perhaps one evening/overnight stay a week. You can take this at your own pace. You know better than your family how you are so don't let yourself be pressured into doing more than you're ready to.
Other practical offers of help from family and friends may be forthcoming if you ask. Talking things over with the health visitor could also be useful. Playschemes and organised activities could help you all have a good time over the summer, and it's important that you too balance pleasure and responsibility.
It's also a good idea to find people you can talk to, and with whom you can share your problems. Building up your social life is one way of doing this, as well as being fun. You don't have to accept your family's opinions without seeing whether they work for you. If you haven't already seen one, it would be a good idea to find a counsellor who can help you build up your emotional resources and your coping strategies. Your doctor may be able to arrange this for you, or you could find someone qualified listed under Counselling & Advice in your Yellow Pages. It's OK to negotiate fees and to find someone you feel comfortable working with. Developing your confidence will make all the difference to how you feel about life and your place in it.
I wish you and your children the best of luck.
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