Dear Anne
I'm 17 and having a real trauma. I don't know what to do. I have been in a steady relationship with this girl who is the same age as me. I had been after her for a couple of years and was ecstatic when she said she liked me. Back in February when her father died she fell into deep depression and was prescribed tablets to ease her out of it. Now she says she is OK, but there have been instances where she has beaten me up and I have been badly scarred because of it. After a while I had discovered she had cheated on me so one night when I was in a club I met another girl. Myself and my girlfriend eventually told each other and decided to forget it.
But recently the treatment I am receiving from her is causing me a lot of mental and physical strain. Now I have met this girl from work. She is stunning and has the best personality. Now I discover she likes me, and wants me to ditch my girlfriend. I want to end it with my girlfriend anyway but every time I mention it, she bursts into tears and becomes the person I fell in love with. Please help me. I feel so bad. Tom
Dear Tom
I appreciate your dilemma. It's hard enough to split up when you've been going out with someone for a couple of years. It's even worse when you have been trying to help her cope with her bereavement and she responds by harming you physically. However, you are not responsible for what she does. She is. Abuse is abuse and nobody has the right to hit you, whatever the circumstances. You don't deserve this. She can be very sweet and loving but this does not excuse what she has done to you.
Naturally she doesn't want to lose you and she has discovered how to manipulate you with her tears and caresses. Manipulation only works if you let it! She's two-timed you and treated you badly. Now you're probably angry or at the least worried and unhappy. Your feelings have been telling you for some time that you want out of this relationship. Are you now willing to listen to them? The alternative is to keep putting her emotions before yours, and that could go on for the rest of your life if you let it! You don't have to be unkind. It's enough to say gently that she has many good qualities but you now both want different things. You can wish her well and say that you're sure she'll soon work through her problems and find someone new. Then you can move on.
It may be worth your realising that people can present one face in public and another in private. Although you are charmed by the girl at your workplace, until you've been out with her for a while you won't know what she's really like. The fact that she wants you to ditch your girlfriend does little to recommend her, does it? Ultimately your happiness doesn't depend on the attentions of a girlfriend but on how you value yourself. So long as you respect yourself as much as you respect others you won't go far wrong. Good luck!Back to Ask Anne
