Dear Anne
I am 18 and my girlfriend is 21. We have been seeing each other for about six months and I love her very much. We experienced some problems around Easter time and had a spell of five weeks where we did not have sex. During this time I began to feel very insecure and unwanted, and still do. We have now had sex but she has told me she doesn't have a sex drive and only has sex with me because I want to. This makes me very upset and I feel as though she finds me unattractive. I am also becoming paranoid she wants other people. What should I do? David
Dear David
I'm sorry you're feeling so unwanted. Insecurity is a horrible feeling, isn't it? However, what hurts most in these situations is what we think about ourselves, and that isn't fixed in stone although it can seem that way at first! Here are some questions which I hope will help you find a positive way forward for yourself.
When your girlfriend says she doesn't have a sex-drive, do you believe her? Or do you think she's making a statement most 21 year olds would find embarrassing for some devious reason? Do you think she's criticising herself in order to set you at a distance? I invite you to consider that she may well be telling the truth. She obviously cares about you or she wouldn't have been intimate with you in the first place. She has put her own feelings aside to do something that you want. Doesn't that show she values you? Doesn't that mean you're valuable?
Instead of drawing some painful and inaccurate conclusions about yourself, why not ask yourself if you're attractive enough and nice enough to find and keep a girlfriend for six months? Yes, you are, because you have. So that means you're nice enough and attractive enough to find another girlfriend when you're ready, doesn't it? And what about your other good qualities and skills? You're articulate and internet-literate for starters and you're allowed to know and appreciate all the other good things about yourself too.
Love is a great feeling. However, it's OK to think about your emotional life in a way that solves problems. The person you love has many good points. I don't deny that, and I'm sure you've enjoyed each other's company for a while. But the person you love doesn't want to make love, and you do. She is shutting you out of part of her life. That's not real intimacy, which is emotional as well as physical. The person you love has hidden her real feelings for months. That means she keeps secrets. Do you think that's a good foundation for lasting love? Do the two of you want the same things out of life? It doesn't look like it, does it?
You ask me what you should do. You have various options. The most assertive is to say how you feel and ask her if she is ready to start overcoming her reluctance to make love. If she's not, or if she isn't willing to get help for her problem, then you could become just friends instead of boyfriend and girlfriend. That way you'll be free to find someone who does want the same things as you do. What she does will then be entirely up to her.
Your self-esteem, David, doesn't depend on trying to get close to someone who doesn't want to be close. That way lies sexual and emotional frustration. There are plenty of girls around who would be glad of a sensitive, caring young man like you. You may find it useful to work through books like Brian Roet's The Confidence to Be Yourself, or to find a confidence or assertiveness course in your area. Once you value yourself enough to know what you want and act to find someone who wants the same things, you will feel much more fulfilled and confident. Your old insecurities will be a thing of the past.
I wish you confidence and peace of mind.
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