Dear Anne
I'm in love with one of my best friends and she doesn't believe me when I tell her. What should I do? RJ
Dear RJ
I appreciate your feelings. When you're in love with someone it's hard to stop thinking about them, isn't it? You spend ages thining about what you might do together, what she'll say, how to make her say what you want to hear. And that can be even worse when the relationship isn't going the way you'd like it to.
Here are some questions that may help you find a positive way forward. Firstly, what did you hope to get by telling your friend that you love her? Did you expect that this would persuade her to go out with you? Has she agreed to go out with you?
It's interesting that you describe this woman as one of your best friends rather than as your girlfriend. From that, I would imagine that the answers to my last question is no.
If you're not going out with her, isn't it possible that her good qualities have inspired you to fall in love not with the real woman, but with a fantasy version of her? True love is never a one-way thing. If you've asked her out and she's turned you down, does that mean you love women who turn you down and keep you at a distance? Put like that, it doesn't sound like a recipe for a great romance, does it? You probably don't want to hear this, but I do say it in a spirit of caring. It sounds like what you're feeling isn't so much love. It's more an infatuation, which gives incredibly strong feelings but is not reciprocated. Nobody, after all, can make someone say they love you if they don't.
And what of her reaction to your declaration? Either she genuinely doesn't believe you (after all, she's not even your girlfriend), or she doesn't want to believe you because she doesn't want to be burdened with your feelings. Perhaps that's because it would get in the way of your friendship.
However, your worth as a man doesn't depend on whether this particular woman loves you. You still have your own good qualities, and there are lots of other women out there who'd love to go out with a loving man. Wouldn't it make more sense for you to keep this girl as your friend, and find someone who does want to go out with you?
I hope that you realise your value. You are, after all, someone who's likable or you wouldn't have the friends you've got. You will find someone to love you in return when you free yourself to do so.
Good luck, RJ.Back to Ask Anne
