Dear Anne
My wife had breast cancer 7 years ago. Ever since, we hardly ever make love. She now says she does not want sex any more. I thought for 5 years the problem was that the tablets she was taking were causing her low libido but after she stopped taking these, her periods started again. I thought things would get back to normal but now she just says if I can't live with never having sex, I should find somebody else. I have asked her about counselling and she says no way. I love my wife and children very much but I just don't know what to do as I am only 41. Tony
Dear Tony
You have my sympathy - and so does your wife. Let's see what might be happening so you can work out what to do to have the best chance of getting where you want.
Since the medication stopped your wife's periods, even though they've started again it's possible that it's had a biochemical effect on her similar to the way the menopause lowers libido in some women. She might usefully talk to her doctor about that, and also contact a nurse or doctor at her cancer clinic to talk things through with them. While you can suggest this to her, it's going to be her choice whether she follows it through.
It's also common after breast cancer that the woman feels asexual, unappealing and unattractive, especially if she's had radical surgery. As sex does make a woman more aware of her breasts, she may also be scared to think of sex or feel sexy in case it reminds her of the cancer, the treatment and so on. What you might do here is make sure you give her kisses and hugs in a friendly, loving way which are intended to help her feel loved and valued as a human being and as a woman, and which are not in any way intended as a turn-on or prelude to sex. You could remind her how much she means to you, how much you love her - which I hope you show her in ways that she enjoys, whether it be flowers, gifts, meals and evenings out, helping round the house, talking an interest in her and her activities, conversations and so on, clearly demonstrating how much you enjoy her company. Reassure her that you love her, not just the parts of her body she's scared of. You might treat her to a new dress or something of that nature (doing your best to enjoy the companionship of a shopping trip even if it isn't your favourite pursuit) so that she knows you find her attractive. I don't know how true it is for you and your wife, but with most couples, you get out of the bedroom what you put into the rest of the relationship.
Hopefully you can help her to feel loved and desirable again. It may take a while, some months probably, before she starts feeling assured of herself once more. Then you might ask her if she's willing for you to demonstrate your love by giving her sexual pleasure. Ask her what she wants and needs to feel sexy. Make it nice for her, even if at first it's not full-on lovemaking.
I hope that your gentle, considerate wooing will help the two of you get back on track. If after, say, another twelve months she still resists the idea, then you can talk with her again and see if she's ready for couples counselling. If not, what does she suggest? At that point you'll both have new information and will more clearly be able to see your way forward, whether it's together or going your separate ways. I wish you both happiness and good love.
