Dear Anne
My 43 year old wife was repeatedly abused at 7 and it has affected her in many ways, not least sexually. She has never been for counselling and my doctor says that he can do nothing unless she wants to go herself. Our 8 year marriage fell apart 12 months after we were married but we are together for the kids. We try not to argue in front of them but I realise they will detect the emotional vacuum in our house. I would leave if I thought it would ease the tension.
Unfortunately I cannot trust my wife to look after them properly because she doesn't seem to know what to do in so many different situations regarding discipline, safety, health etc. There is much more to this problem than I can write about here. Please help Dave
Dear Dave
I'm sorry that you and your family are in this difficult situation. Child abuse is a terrible thing because it can have long-lasting effects on the person who survived it. These can last long into adult life and affect confidence and relationships. Your wife's view of the world probably includes the belief that it's not safe, and she may therefore feel that any change is threatening. Your doctor is right to say that he cannot make your wife have counselling. That would be bullying, which is another form of abuse. In any case counselling is only effective when the client wants to make changes. Your wife has the right to decide what she will and won't do.
However, if you do something different, her behaviour may change to reflect this. From your letter it seems that you may have come across to her as critical and blameful, and this has put you at loggerheads so that she feels even more threatened. It's easier to deal with situations when you're both on the same side. I'm also wondering why you decided to marry a woman who had different views from you about sex. You have now discovered that you can't fix anyone else or change them. All you can do is take responsibility for your own behaviour, and to an extent, your children's.
As you seem to be stuck in an impasse of your own (I want to leave but I can't), it could well be a good idea for you to consider having some counselling yourself. This could help you personally as well as allowing you to do something different within your relationship. You can find a qualified counsellor through Yellow Pages with whom you can develop your assertiveness skills and make some decisions about what you will and won't do.
You may also wish to buy a copy of Dr Susan Forward's excellent book Toxic Parents: overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life which you could give to your wife although it's her decision whether she's ready to read it or not. She may also consider visiting the Survivors of Incest Anonymous website at www.siawso.org. Rape Crisis is another organisation which is used to dealing with child sexual abuse, even when it was long in the past. Your wife may life to visit their fact-based website at www.rapecrisis.cu.uk . There is also a wonderful website at www.prevent-abuse-now.com, which has links to the stories of survivors who have gone on to reclaim their lives.
I do hope your wife soon feels able to make some new and more self-supportive decisions, and I honour her for surviving. My thoughts and prayers are with her.Back to Ask Anne
