Dear Anne
I met a very nice man while on holiday and since then we have seen each other once, but spoken many times on the phone (two or three times a week). A few times he has said he would phone on a certain day and then hasn't. He has always phoned since then. I'm just not sure how to approach this pot hole in the road. One friend says not to answer the phone next time he calls; another says that if he isn't what I want, cut him loose. I do like him, but one of my biggest pet peeves for people, male or female, is people who don't do as they say they will. I know he is wickedly busy with work as his company is undergoing major upheaval, but he's usually said he'd call on a Sunday or Friday and hasn't. Am I being a ninny and should just let it ride or should I bring it up? If so, how? Thanks Kay
Dear Kay
Thanks for your letter. Isn't it annoying when people let you down, not once but repeatedly? However, you've actually given me mixed messages: a few times he has said he would phone on a certain day and then hasn't and then he has always phoned me since then. I'm wondering if unclear communication could be part of the problem?
Another point is that you don't say in what ways you do like this man. As a friend? A potential boyfriend? An actual boyfriend? A possible husband and father to your children? I'm wondering whether you know this yet yourself. Or whether you're spending a lot of time daydreaming how it could all be wonderul, so full of hearts and flowers ... when he doesn't seem to have made clear what he wants either! Wouldn't it be sensible to find out what he wants out of your relationship and see if it%u2019s the same as what you want? Even if that's just to take a while to get to know each other and then decide whether you and he want to be exclusive, intimate boy- and girlfriend while you work out what's next. Of course, if you and he don't let each other fully into your lives, how will you find out?
Here's another interesting question. Your feelings are sending you the information that you don't like it when this guy lets you down. Fact: he has let you down. Fact: you don't like it. In what way could this possibly mean you're a ninny? On the contrary, you're right to take notice of your feelings. After all, they're there to protect you!
So what's your best way forward? That depends on what you want for yourself. I hope it's to take notice of your feelings and decide that you matter enough to act on them. I don't advocate playing mind-games such as not answering the phone. Wouldn't that be a rather childish thing to do? Just dumping him might be throwing the baby out with the bath-water, don't you think? So how about saying straight out, either I don't like it when you tell me you'll call on a certain day and then let me down.
