Dear Anne
My husband of 15 months has left 23 times and every time he leaves he's drunk for a week or so and then calls and says he's sorry and wants to come back. I'm a Christian so I've always tried to forgive and take him back. He's gone again and I love him very much but he's driving me crazy. He's usually gone for a week or two without even a phone call to let me know he's ok. When he comes back he confesses that he's been drinking heavily and been with other women. He seems to do fine for about a month and then he's gone again. The sad thing is that I know he loves God. He's a preacher. He's even walked out on the church. Help me. Donna
Dear Donna
I'm sorry that your marriage to this man of God is causing you such pain. It's admirable that you're always willing to do your best to forgive the anguish he causes you but remember that Jesus said, Forgive 70 times 7. That's a finite number. With all the little hurts piling up on top of the big ones, surely you've reached your limit by now? After all, forgiveness only works when there's true penitence and as your husband is just treating your forgiveness like permission to do the same thing over and over again, is it acting in your best interest?
Sometimes Christians think that they're suffering because somehow they've done something to deserve it. Nobody deserves to have their love and fidelity repaid this way. Turning the other cheek just allows your husband to strike that one too, doesn't it?
What you've been doing so far just hasn't worked, has it? So what do you do instead? How about telling your husband that you love him and that's why he has to learn to behave in less self-destructive ways? How about making plans for a bolt-hole for yourself? Perhaps you could arrange to stay with family or friends for a while? You don't have to tell him where you're going. Then, quite calmly, you could say, If you leave on another drinking and womanising binge, I will leave you. I don't want to do that so are you willing to have some counselling?
It doesn't help to make ultimata if you're not willing to carry them through. You can get help, and so can your husband if he's ready. Aquarius, whose central phone number is 0121-632-4727, may have a branch near you. They are a charity who do excellent work with people who have alcohol-related problems. For yourself you could go to the website at www.alanonuk@aol.com , which is for the relatives of people who have drink-related problems.
It's worth realising that being with your husband has almost certainly dented your self-esteem, which may have made it hard for you to take care of your emotional needs. Al-Anon can help you rebuild your confidence and learn to take responsibility for your own emotional welfare, whether or not you're with your husband. They hold meetings across the UK so perhaps you would be willing to seek support from them.
I do sympathise. The abuse of alcohol, a legal drug, causes devastation in many people's lives. But you can recover. Whether your husband chooses recovery at this point is a different matter. But if you draw a line, he'll have to start treating you in a different way. Whether that eventually leads to your beginning a new and happy life with someone else, or to his own rehabilitation, I can't say. But if you carry on putting up with the appalling treatment he's meting out, he'll just keep on doing the same thing, won't he?
I wish you good friendships and an interest in your own career. I wish you a happy, rewarding social life and interests. But most of all I wish you peace of mind. You deserve good things in your life. Good luck, Donna. My thoughts and prayers are with you.Back to Ask Anne
