Dear Anne
I know that my parents are there to help me but I feel like they're in my face all the time. They tell me what to do and when I can eat and things like that. I'm 17 and I feel like I have made no choices for myself, including my path in life as I'm doing what they want. I don't feel happy. Now they've turned on me and say I suck money out of them but I cannot afford all the transport and other things for sixth form. It would be simple if I wasn't scared to talk to them because I'm worried that if I say something wrong I'd be chucked out but this could happen if I don't do something they want. Jackie
Dear Jackie
Poor you! At seventeen you're on the threshhold of adulthood but you're still dependent on your folks. So how could you handle this situation?
Sometimes parents don't talk about finances with their kids. (Sorry about "kids" but as you're their child I'll describe your relationship in these terms even though legally you're almost an adult.) Either they feel it's not appropriate, or it's none of the child's business or they're embarrassed to admit they don't always make good financial choices. For this reason they could be using their unkind "money-sucking" phrase as a way of expressing their anxieties. Or, of course, they could be selfish but if they're encouraging you to go to sixth form they probably love you and want the best for you and they're using this as a way of highlighting their apparent "sacrifice" to motivate you to study hard so you'll do well in life. Of course they chose to have you so you don't have to take responsibility for their stress. Actually talking honestly about money with the kids is a mature thing to do but not everyone is able to see it in those terms because it's not part of their family culture. Do you think your grandparents discussed money with your parents when they were young?
Where does this leave you? Well, how about asking a tutor about any benefits you might be entitled to as a sixth-form student? And how about asking your parents if they'd be happier if you got a part-time job, say in the holidays, on Saturdays or on a couple of twilight shifts at a local supermarket or call-centre? You'd have some money to enjoy and some to put towards transport or college requirements. It's up to you and your parents whether you'd choose to give a small portion of your holiday earnings towards your weekly board, but it might make you feel more independent and get them off your back. A tenner a week plus your share of the phone-bill might be OK. As for food, so long as you're not the one who always has the last biscuit and you don't expect separate meals every night (unless you cook and pay for them), there shouldn't be too much of a problem. If they want you to eat more, could it be because they're worried you're not eating healthily?
And what of your life-path? Assuming you're in ordinary reasonable health, you have seventy or eighty years ahead of you in which you can be independent and do what you want. You might decide that your current studies will offer a good general background, proving your intelligence and persistence to potential employers even if when you leave school they won't directly lead to a career of your chosing. At most you have 14 or 15 months left before your A levels or other exams. After that you're more free to do what you want whether your parents like it or not. Entry into working life with A level or equivalent will get you a better starting salary than just GCSEs, or it might help you get into further study for the career of your choice. It wouldn't be easy to go to uni without financial help from your parents but with vacation work and managing student loans sensibly it's a good option if you want it. Or a job could offer you day-release or further training.
As a general rule, when someone's not happy with their parents they tend to avoid them whenever possible. However, that allows parental suspicions a free rein. It could be worth choosing to spend a bit of time with them doing things they like, offering to make them the odd cup of tea and doing the odd chore voluntarily. Taking responsibility for your own washing and ironing could help too. It can also help if they actually see you doing your coursework and revision. With this positive attention from you, they may feel better and respect you more as an adult.
As for talking to them about how unhappy you are, I agree that could be a minefield. Parents can be hypersensitive and can feel hard done by if the only interactions they have with you are negative ones. After all, they'll have done an awful lot for you over the course of your lifetime. The positive strategies above can help minimise their touchiness. Also it's important to steer clear of blame and shouting as they're likely to feel hurt and respond with anger and repression. Therefore after a month or so of the responsible, co-operative approach above, if there's something you're not happy about, you could try asking politely and calmly. If you start to get angry, or they do, you could say calmly, "I appreciate your viewpoint and I hope you appreciate mine, but tempers are starting to get frayed, so shall we leave this negotiation for another time? Shall I make us all a cuppa?" If you want to ask about a night out, it can help to demonstrate that you've thought about how to get yourself there and back and keep yourself safe. And of course if you say you'll be back at a certain time, it's worth getting home on time, or letting them know where you are and that you're OK if you're unavoidably late.
When push comes to shove, most parents aren't going to throw their kids out, and would be ashamed to admit it if they did do it. If they're willing to give you a letter to the council saying you're now homeless, the council could rehouse you as a matter of priority. In which case you could call Shelterline on 0808 800 4444 at any time day or night. But I very much doubt it would come to that.
Meantime let's talk about your feelings. Your parents have done their best for you over the last 17 years but inevitably some of their choices aren't going to be what you want. It doesn't make you wrong or them wrong, it just makes you different people. Once you've left sixth form you could start doing things more your way. Most parents subscribe to the "my roof, my rules" approach, especially when they're paying the bills, but if you can demonstrate a mature and considered approach to your own choices, you give yourself the best chance of them listening. There are no guarantees, but once you're 18 it's your life.
Soon enough you'll be out in the world of work. Like many adults you'll probably find that your relationship with your parents improves once you're independent. I hope so. But like all of us, we're not responsible for what we get during childhood, only what we do with it thereafter.
Meantime, take care of yourself and value your own achievements. Good luck!
