Dear Anne
I have been happily married for 6 years but with a problem hanging over me. I get extremely anxious about my husband been in the company of members of the opposite sex. I know he is completely trustworthy. He has always been loving and supportive with me and has never got angry with me for thinking the irrational thoughts that go through my mind. At the mention of a party with his friends I become immediately anxious and basically start to panic. I have no trouble being at parties with my own friends on my own as long as my husband isn't there. I have never understood this. I love my husband and I don't want this to rule my life anymore. I want to be able to go out with my husband and enjoy myself as much as I do when he isn't there. I am just on edge when I am with my husband at a party or a nightclub. I feel like I have no control over what will happen if I let myself relax, and I watch and worry if he is dancing with a female colleague from work. I had a bad relationship about 12 years ago which resulted in me taking an overdose. I didn't receive any counselling and I thought I had gotten over it completely until I met and married my husband. I didn't have another relationship after the first one until my husband. I've tried talking to friends and family and my husband and although they are supportive they all say I have nothing to worry about and I should just have trust in my husband. I sometimes feel like I trust him but then I act and think completely irrationally. I hope you can offer some advice. Thank you. Tracy
Dear Tracy
Jealousy is painful, isn't it? It can feel like it's twisting and tearing inside you and you want to stop but you're scared to. Is that what it's like for you?
I invite you to ask yourself what you actually get out of feeling jealous. Obviously the bad things will spring to mind, but what self-protective intentions are in there too? Are you in fact acting out the fear that if you stop feeling that way you'll somehow Close control of the situation and end up alone?
I invite you to consider two things: twice when you felt ready for a relationship, you were able to attract a partner. OK, the first one wasn't ideal and you have better judgment now, but the point is, you can attract guys so you're attractive! Your husband married you. He wanted to be with you because you're interesting, desirable, loving, all sorts of good things! Those good qualities are part of you whether he's there or not! You may see yourself through a sort of fairground mirror that shrinks your attractive features and magnifies what you see as your faults. He obviously doesn't see you this way or he wouldn't have chosen to be with you in the first place, would he? Or to stay with you for all these years? Why not throw away the distorting mirror and see yourself as the real, lovable you?
Jealousy springs mainly from low self-esteem. There are confidence and assertiveness courses which you can find out about through your library, adult education centre or local paper. There are books on self-confidence like Confidence in just Seven Days by Ros Taylor, Sandra Scott and Roy Leighton or The Positive Woman by Gael Lindenfield. These ideas work if you're willing to apply them!
Healing past hurts isn't always easy. It can happen that when someone behaves badly towards us we turn our justifiable anger not out at that person and his unkindness but inwards by blaming ourselves. You are not responsible for what the man in your past did. He is. I hope you now feel ready to make positive emotional changes in your life to find healing and a nurturing way forward. If so, counselling is almost certainly the best option for you. You can find a therapist in your area by emailing admin@ita.org.uk or by consulting your Yellow Pages.
In the meantime you can help yourself by working out what it means every time your husband or anyone else pays you positive attention. When he hugs you it's because you're cuddly and lovable. If he smiles at you it's because you're fun and are worth caring about. If your friends are supportive it's because you're valuable, good company and a nice person to have around. The fact that your husband wants to go to clubs and so on with you means he likes being with you! And if you smile at other men, aren't they nice to you too?
I wish you faith in yourself and peace of mind. Good luck!Back to Ask Anne
