Dear Anne
I would like to move from my parents house to live with my boyfriend but my mum doesn't approve and she relies on me for everything. Angela
Dear Angela
This is a hard situation to deal with, isn't it? You may feel right now as though your mum holds all the cards but this isn't really true. Here are some ideas that may help you find a way forward.
On the surface of it, it may be that your mum disapproves of your boyfriend or of living in sin as people sometimes call it. She may have some valid points: perhaps she doesn't think he's in a stable job or that he's considerate or reliable enough. You'll know what she says better than I do. It's worth taking her views seriously for a moment or two. Is there any real foundation to her claims? She no doubt believes she has your best interests at heart, so when you raise these points with her, it's a great help to address her emotions. You might say something like, I'm glad you care about me, Mum, and want what's best for me. That's why I love you so much. I know you're worried that my boyfriend does X, but really he does Y. So long as she knows you've considered her arguments and acknowledged that they were made with your good at heart, you'll have shown her that you're acting maturely.
However, I'm wondering whether there's something else going on here. Your saying she relies on you for everything could be a bit of a give-away. Are you secretly afraid she wants you to stay not for your benefit but for hers? Again, it's a good tactic to address her underlying emotions. Reassurance that you're not going to cut her out of your life could go a long way. If she's afraid of abandonment, you could perhaps say, I'll still be around to take you to the supermarket on Tuesday nights or I'll ring you every other day or whatever regular contact you'd like to make.
As for the practical aspects of relying on you, is she disabled in some way? If so, Social Services may be able to help. If there's no physical reason for her relying on you, have you considered weaning her off you bit by bit? Perhaps you could tell her that you're not willing to do one small thing that realistically she could do for herself, and giving that a couple of weeks to soak in, before tackling another subject. If it's emotional dependence on her part, you are not responsible for her emotions. She is! With some situations, perhaps social ones, it may be appropriate to say, That's your choice, Mum. After all, it's not your job to live her life for her! Don't forget either that other people may be able to take some of the strain, like relatives or your dad if he's still around.
Children grow up and move on to their own independent lives. Parents have to recognise that and let go, hard though it may be. But many mothers (and fathers!) really enjoy having their lives back once they get used to not having the kids around. That's the main reason that people say, Life begins at 40. Do you need to give yourself permission to let go too?
I hope that you will both weather the storm and come out the other side as close and loving mother and daughter and as equally valid adults! Good luck with this, and with your partnership.
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