Dear Anne
I'm 29 years old and can't get along with my mother who is 65. My older brothers keep her at arm's length. They left home when I was around six and got on with their lives after suffering much mental and physical abuse, which I also received. My mother's own mother died three years ago and her own sister and brother don't speak to each other or her. My Mum divorced my Dad before I was one. My mother has two personalities; one is nice, the other is evil. When I was a child I thought she was a nice person who just had problems through her own upbringing. My mum and brothers used to argue a lot and from age 6 I often left the house unnoticed for hours, thinking my mum liked me and wouldn't do that to me, though when she was stressed or drunk she would sometimes bash me.
As I got older and my brothers left, she would row more with me and at 16 had to leave home. I've done pretty well for myself and I often thinks she resents me for that. I have now settled down with a fantastic guy and things are going really well for us. However, after I left she became mentally ill. She drinks a lot, has counselling and is on medication. I've tried to be a good daughter by keeping her company but she is often drunk, spaced out and abusive, and doesn't appreciate my efforts to compensate for my brothers lack of support.
I've tried to improve our relationship and pretend that everything's OK, but she makes self-pitying, suicidal phone calls. Mostly when I rush round she's fine but sometimes she has accidents while drunk. The final straw came when she gave me a load of abuse about not caring and said she tried to have me aborted. As usual she sat there criticising me and making judgmental comments about the way I run my life or the way I look. I left the house a total mess and cried for two days. Months later she sent me a card to say sorry, that she had stopped drinking at home and wanted us to become pals again. I was so happy and I had my mum back warts and all. That was three months ago. I am now at my wit's end again, and have actually come to terms with the fact that she is not a very nice person. She plays mind games with my partner and me, whines and belittles us and makes unreasonable demands. I've cut off from her but I feel so guilty. It's like her head is attached to my right shoulder, criticising everything I do. It's driving me mad. I just want it to stop. How can I get in with my life with all this? How do I break the cycle?
AndreaDear Andrea
I am sorry that you're so distressed. Nobody wants their mother/daughter relationship to be like this, and you do not deserve it. However, can you see this woman ever managing to get back on an even keel? With all the help she's had from you, others and the state, she still can't hold onto her sense of balance. She may have had an unfortunate upbringing, but whatever the reason, she's treating you badly. Even if you feel sorry for her, the fact is that she hit you, neglected you and manipulated you. Don't you think, as your brothers do, that so long as you go back for more, you'll get more?
This is not your fault. Mental illness in someone else and alcohol dependency is also a form of mental illness is not something you can fix. For this reason I invite you not to feel guilty. Your mother's never going to be happy but you're an adult now and have the right to invest your time and energy into making your own life the best it can be. You've done a fabulous job, achieving your goals under difficult circumstances and building a great relationship, and you now deserve to be happy.
Your suffering is just as valid as hers. She has had forty-odd years as an adult and could have made different decisions, but her choice was to behave as she has. You are not responsible for her or her feelings. You are now allowed to invest your time and energy into making your life the best it can be. You live life in your body, through your senses, and your feelings are telling you that she is bad for you, aren't they? Like your brothers, I hope that you are now ready to act on your feelings. Getting into a big debate with your mum about what you and she want hasn't helped, so you could simply say you want no further contact and hang up the phone. Your partner could be helpful here. You do not owe this damaging woman any loyalty.
So how do you get rid of that feeling of having her critical head constantly on your shoulder? Counselling is almost certainly your best option. You could look through your Yellow Pages to find a counsellor in your area, or your GP may be able to refer you (though that can take much longer to come through). Two forms of counselling that have brilliant techniques for dealing with feelings like this are Transactional Analysis (TA) and Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP). My belief is that TA would be most effective for you, but different strokes for different folks, so you can find an effective counsellor with whom you feel comfortable working. You could also get a lot out of working through books like Dr Susan Forward's Toxic Parents overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your own life.
In the meantime, when you think of her critical comments, why not ask yourself whether you'd take the advice of someone who's obviously not running her own life very well? You could also check out these critical comments with supportive people like friends and your partner. You are obviously lovable, capable and intelligent, and you have many other positive qualities. Why not make a list of these and read it often? You are allowed to use your good points to make your own life as rewarding as possible.
Although you may feel that you are the only person that this is happening to, you're not, believe me. And like the others, you are allowed to move on, be yourself and experience pleasure. I wish you confidence and every happiness in the future. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
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