Dear Anne
I lost my virginity a few months ago to a man of 30. I'm 18 and I really fell hard for him. I have to admit he didn't treat me as well as he could have, but apart from that he is the nicest guy I have ever met.
I love being with him and the intimacy we shared. Now he has asked his ex-girlfriend to marry him because he wants to settle down and have a family and he feels she would be a good mother. He says that he still wants to see me and that he really cares for me - much more than he cares for his fiancee - but that he feels I'm too young for real commitment. I do want to be with him but I feel that he is putting too much on my shoulders. Everything about him is amazing. I can talk to him about anything and everything. He's so funny, incredibly sweet, sexy, good looking, spontaneous, and romantic, just what I've always wanted in a man, but I'm not sure what to do. Be with him and be the "other woman" or say no, and be alone. Just not speaking to him for a whole day makes me tearful and aching to see him, so how will I feel if I call things off? I'm so confused! Morgan
Dear Morgan
I can see why this is confusing. You have my sympathy. There's this guy you're in love with - and he's choosing to marry and have children by someone else. Your feelings of hurt must be massive but are you acting on them? They're there to guide you through life's difficulties, and when someone you love tramples all over your feelings, it's painful. So are you going to ignore your pain and discount the messages it's sending you?
Sure he's got a lot going for him. He's a real charmer who makes wonderful protestations of loving you then wants to relegate you to the role of mistress where he can just pick you up and put you down like a toy. Do you really want to be his Barbie doll? A bit on the side? The other woman? A homewrecker?
These are harsh words, I know. But can they help you see that a man who loves you in good ways wouldn't ask this of you? Not only has he not treated you as well as you'd have liked in the past, he's continuing to devalue you. And then he's telling you that he doesn't actually believe in exclusive relationships or loyalty or the sanctity of marriage. Such a man may be able to convince you that black is white but it doesn't make it true. He may be able to talk the birds out of the trees but he's showing his true feelings in the way he behaves to you and his poor intended wife. For what it's worth I'm sure he does love you in his own selfish way, but he's not exactly offering you nourishing love, is he?
You say you have two alternatives: to be his mistress or to be alone. You actually have plenty of others. Including kicking this charming manipulator out so you're free to find someone who wants the same things you do: loyalty, fun, good love and respect. And to do that you have to start believing that you matter and you deserve good love. Working through books like The Positive Woman by Gael Lindenfield and Are You The One For Me? by Barbara de Angelis could help you start believing in yourself.
Because you do deserve better, don't you? Good luck!
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