Dear Anne
I'm only 14 years old. I know I'm definitely a lesbian and I've been in love with my female sports teacher at school. I really want to tell her how I feel because I know she's a lesbian and we are very very close. All my friends say that she looks at me as more then just a pupil. She knows everything about me. She's like my agony aunt. The only thing I've never spoken to her about is my feelings for her. I have no confidence and I'm scared of rejection! I don't want to ruin our friendship as I really enjoy her company. I'm really depressed about my love for her not being returned or vocalised to her. Can you please give me some advice about what I should do? Thank you. Zoe
Dear Zoe
Thank you for your letter. I do understand how you feel. Unrequited love feels awful. When you're 14 you're awash with hormones and that can make your feelings so powerful it's hard to think how to handle your problems.
So let's look at things from different points of view. Say you told her you love her and she returned your feelings. You might think it would be wonderful but what then? She'd never be able to teach again and once she's lost her chosen career, how will she support herself? If your love were to come to light she'd be liable for prosecution and possible imprisonment for abusing a minor. Your parents would no doubt be furious with you (and her), not to say hurt. They would be criticised and you might, in a worst case scenario, be put in a home or fostered out. There'd be a scandal at school, possibly with salacious stories about Forbidden Lesbian Love in the local and national papers. She'd be considered a paedophile. Wherever your adored one went she couldn't walk down the street without people staring and hurling abuse at her. Do you think this sounds like a basis for a fulfilling long-term relationship? Is that what you want to do to someone you love?
No doubt it's very flattering for your gym teacher to be hero-worshipped by an attractive girl (yourself). But it's dangerous, isn't it? And there's another danger too.
At the moment you're enjoying a friendship with an older woman, which is great. However, what do you get by letting your thoughts stray into dreams of love and fantasies of how wonderful it might be (so long as you don't think it through)? You get pleasure without risk. But you don't give yourself a chance of learning how to form close romantic relationships. You keep yourself emotionally unavailable to people who could form non-damaging relationships with you. And you don't give yourself the opportunity of learning how to handle your sexuality safely.
Right now you have lesbian inclinations. So do lots of girls your age. There's nothing wrong with that. That's partly because boys and girls develop at different rates so boys probably feel like immature aliens to you right now. Your heroine models an ideal of womanhood for you, and there's the added advantage that you fancy her too. But almost all girls go on to prefer boys. At the age of 14, presumably with no actual sexual experiences one way or the other, how can you be sure that you'll continue to be a lesbian? It might seem like the only option for you now, but who can tell how you'll feel when you're 18? 25?
You speak of your frustration and ask, What should I do? If you really love this woman, you won't put her life and career at risk. Talking about her to your friends, by the way, is just passivity. It doesn't get you what you want and it opens ups the possibility of gossip and scandal. What you can do is enjoy your fantasies but know that they're just a rehearsal for love. And when other opportunities for non-damaging relationships come along, you can give them a go. If you still feel the same way about your teacher when you've left school, you'll be adult enough to risk asking her if she'd like to go out with you. And if you don't still feel that way, you'll know that this was just a stage on your journey to maturity.
I wish you every happiness in the future.
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