Dear Anne
Nine months ago my husband decided he was unhappy and wanted to leave. Initially he said he was leaving for a few weeks to get his head together. He has not returned and will not give me a reason why he will not come home. He just says he does not know. He was forty in February and desires to be a bodyguard. He became a bouncer a year last December and since then he had no time for myself or our two teenage daughters. He was always my best friend. I feel totally negected and alone. When at home I asked him if he would have one Saturday night off a month to spend some time with me. He would not agree to this.
I am very lonely, with few friends. All my friends are married so do not want to go out with me. I'm not after another man. I would really love my husband to come home. He says he never will. We have been together for twenty-three years and married for eighteen. He says he does not want a divorce but will not come home or try to get back together. He has a female work mate whose company he enjoys. He says he was not having an affair with her. But when it came to spending time with me, he would prefer to be with her. Please can you give me some advice as I feel my life is falling apart. Susan
Dear Susan
I'm sorry that you're in such distress. It really doesn't help when your husband won't discuss what's going on for him, let alone explain it. It sounds like the sort of mid-life crisis that some men suffer from, but that doesn't make it any easier for you to deal with. So where do you go from here?
I invite you to get in touch (safely!) with your anger. Being angry at him instead of just sad can be the first step on your journey towards recovery. That doesn't mean cheap shots at revenge. Wouldn't it be far more satisfying to know that you're moving towards independence and happiness?
Why not think of what you have actually lost? A man who cuts you out of his life. Who won't talk to you in any meaningful way. Who has left your daughters as well as you. Who has treated you badly without a word of explanation. What you haven't lost is your future happiness, although you may feel like you have. You can still go to the cinema or shopping, perhaps with your daughters. You can still go on holiday, go dancing (dance classes can be enjoyable and think of the new friends you could make!) and start learning to have fun all over again. Instead of staying in all the time waiting for him to rescue you from the pain he's caused, you could start doing different things for yourself.
This may sound beyond you right now but you don't have to do it all at once. It can help if you start realising that you are valuable. You are a kind, caring, loyal and capable woman. Your daughters love you, so you're lovable. You have skills and good qualities, and you have the same right as every other human being to be yourself. If you feel you may be suffering from depression, you can go to see your doctor. Counselling can also help with depression and with overcoming painful relationships. Your Yellow Pages lists registered psychotherapists in your area.
You don't deserve the bad things that have happened to you. Your worth as a human being doesn't depend on having this damaging man in your life. If you've been viewing the future as a long drab sentence, doesn't it help to know that the future is made up of lots of separate moments which you can make as rewarding as possible? Now you can begin to branch out, investigate new opportunities, do everything you can to make the present more enjoyable for yourself and your girls. That might include contacting single parent organisations like Gingerbread, whose website is at www.gingerbread.org.uk . They can offer practical help as well as companionship and social opportunities.
Doesn't that sound more attractive than just sitting passively at home? I wish you (and your girls) a speedy recovery and the confidence to have fun. Good luck!Back to Ask Anne
