Dear Anne
I am 55 and my husband is 53. My husband has been in bad health for a couple of years now due to diabetes. Two years ago he had a triple heart bypass and 18 months ago he had to have his leg amputated due to a blood clot after a long flight home from California. The long and short of this is that I have been very unhappy over these last two years. He is my second husband. We both have children from previous partners, and we were so happy in the early days but now all we seem to do is argue. Our sex life is now pretty non existent as he is impotent (even viagra doesn't work). I have a good job which involves some travel and I also have a close sister and girlfriends with whom I like to go out with sometimes, maybe once every two weeks or so. My husband is retired from his job due to his bad health and now stays at home and helps out with whatever he can do around the house.
Whatever I do my husband resents the fact that he can't enjoy life as he used to and complains when I do things that do not include him. He is losing a lot of his friends as they feel he hasn't been looking after himself as he should. He still smokes, drinks and eats all the wrong foods even though he is a diabetic and they feel he has brought some of his troubles on himself. I am getting to the end of my tether but would feel extremely guilty if I just abandoned him as he really is a good man, just very bad tempered now and unreasonable. I have to admit I do not love him as I used to, more like he is my brother, but it just isn't enough. I want more out of life but feel guilty about it. What should I do? Trisha
Dear Trisha
You sound like you feel trapped and I am not surprised. When we marry it's for better or worse, and of course we all hope it's going to be for better. Living with someone who's resentful of his incapacity isn't easy for anyone.
However, expecting one person to provide for all your emotional needs isn't a recipe for happiness, as your husband is discovering. You are not responsible for how he feels. He is. You've discovered that whatever you do, you can't make him happy and contented, any more than you can make him look after his health. Being blameful or critical isn't helpful. One way forward might be to ask something like, When you complain and act resentful with your friends, what results do you get? Is that what you want to get? Or would you rather make the most of your life? What he does about it then is up to him. Even people in wheelchairs and with the most appalling illnesses have the choice of getting as much pleasure out of life as they can. He may be willing to explore new social possibilities, evening classes, clubs or whatever. You may choose to offer some sympathy and practical support because his illness does restrict his life, but at the end of the day what he does is his choice.
Don't you think it's reasonable for each partner to have together time as well as apart time? You may decide that you want to see people whose company you enjoy more often. Perhaps you could ask him if he'd like you to arrange some joint outings and some all-male gatherings as well as your girly events. Just as you're not responsible for his emotional wellbeing, he's not responsible for yours, either!
On the sexual front, penetrative sex isn't the only way that people can share pleasure. Are you willing to start negotiating with him for ways in which you can both get more of your needs, sexual and otherwise, met?
Life isn't ideal, not for anybody. I've seen extremely unhappy millionaires and physically able people with depression. Everyone has the challenge of making their life, in their circumstances, the best it can be. And that goes for you, too.
Wouldn't something like that be a more rewarding idea for you both? Wouldn't just dumping him be throwing the baby out with the bathwater?
I offer you my sympathy. And I wish you luck and optimism too.
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