Dear Anne
My husband has been suffering with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder since he returned from Kosovo in October 99. He was there for 4 months. We have two toddlers. It has taken me until May this year to get him to his RAF GP. My husband doesn't seem to have improved much in this time. I wasn't expecting miracles, but I feel that I can't take it much more. He is nearly always very low with many suicidal thoughts and he has tried cutting his wrists several times. He now self-harms. The medical people involved with this case expect me to deal with everything, looking after my husband and two toddlers and then travel half way accross the country for him to have an assessment.
I don't have any practical help in any way, no family or friends close by. My family live 200 miles away. I had a car accident just over a week ago travelling to my mother's and my car was a write-off. My husband was fine about it but when his dad phoned him and said he should have come straight away to see me, it set him back to square one. I had to try and talk him out of suicide on the telephone whilst contacting medical people et cetera and try and work out how to get home. My injuries wouldn't allow me to drive and all I got was poor 'husband'. I know it sounds selfish but all I wanted to say was What about me?" I was the one who had the accident with my daughters in the car and had to deal with that alone. I feel that I can't go on like this much more.
I do love my husband and I'd hate to leave him. I know he is ill but I feel like I'm not coping now as it has been going on too long and obviously the above is a tiny fraction of what he's been doing. Do you know of any support groups or help that I might be able to get bearing in mind that I have to take the girls everywhere with me? Susan
Dear Susan
It is always difficult when your partner has an ongoing emotional problem. It can seem like he is the star and you have to be in orbit around him, caring for him just as you care for your toddlers. It doesn't feel fair because you have no-one to give you the support that any mother needs. I really do sympathise with your cry of What about me?
You have obviously been working miracles. With all that you have to do you have dealt efficiently with the problems around the car accident, and that with no outside support. So what about you?
It would be a good idea to talk to your GP about yourself and your needs. You do exist and you do matter. Many surgeries now offer counselling. Your local Health Visitors Clinic could perhaps arrange for some affordable nursery access for your children so that you have a couple of hours to yourself. You may also find that getting a letter from the RAF doctor who's seen your husband is useful in persuading your GP and local Social Services to support you.
