Dear Anne
Help! I live with my girlfriend who is 25. She suffers from depression. Now I have also suffered from depression but got myself out of it by reading Maxwell Maltz's programme where I found a way out and changed the way I think. I have goals now and am currently doing a degree. Ineed to focus on what I am doing and I am happy in life but I feel that my girlfriend brings me down. I love her with all my heart but although I've stood by her for 2 years, got her to see a doctor and told her all the time to sort her head out she just won't even give anything a try. She is negative about everthing. I am 29 and can understand what she is going through but I am always trying to give her advice because I have been there. I can't do any more now and feel I on't want to be with her because I want to be happy and achieve my goals and my dreams and have a really good future.
I do love her and wish she would help herself, but I guess she will only do that when she�is ready. Am I being selfish? I do believe that I am a good person but have done all I can. Please help. Gee
Dear Gee
Congratulations on finding your way out of depression! This is an inspiring achievement, and I'm very glad for you that you're on the way to reaching your targets. Now, however, you're reaching the end of your tether with your girlfriend. So where do you and she go from here?
Firstly, I invite you to step back and think whether you've inadvertently got into mind-games with her. One which a lot of people play without realising it involves one of you being the rescuer and the other, the victim. The rescuer does everything he or she can to help the victim. Typically the rescuer offers advice to which the victim replies, Yes, but ... The victim refuses all help because this is a way she knows to keep contact. If her problem were solved, she wouldn't know how to stay in contact. The victim sees herself as having no power to make positive changes. In any case the victim sees the world as a scary place and so perceives changes as frightening. That's how people get stuck.
Now it's easy to see how other people play the game, and what they get out of it, both good and bad. It's much harder to see your own position. (This is why people have blind spots!) Rescuers get to feel good about themselves, especially as they realise they are more conscious of their power than the victim. When rescuers feel frustrated because the victim hasn't changed, they can become persecutors. And victims, if pushed too far, can also become persecutors. Then you change positions and go round again. Please note that such relationship games are played without awareness on either side. Nor am I saying that helping anyone is taking on the mantle of rescuer. It's only if this becomes a repeating cycle intended somehow to keep both players in contact with one another.
Does this ring any bells for you? One person can't play the game alone. That means the other person is also taking a hand in the game. Might you have wanted to come across as a heroic rescuer? If so, could that be something to watch out for in future relationships? And if you are being a rescuer, could that mean you've actually been helping your girlfriend to stay in victim mode?
You have choices. You could tell her gently that she has to take responsibility for helping herself. For yourself you could decide that since your help hasn't made any difference you can now stop offering all that advice, excellent though I'm sure it was. Once you stop taking responsibility for her, you'll have more energy to expand your own horizons. That could include saying how you feel and what you want, so that the two of you can jointly negotiate where your relationship is going. If after a few weeks your girlfriend hasn't made any changes for herself, you might want to move on to a different relationship while staying friends with her.
People do grow out of relationships. People do want different things out of life and have different ways of achieving their goals. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with either of you, but you are allowed to go in your chosen direction. I wish you luck with this.
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