Dear Anne
My good friend got drunk and admitted she was abused at age 5 and 12, by strangers. She is undergoing counselling and her counsellor was trying to get her to remember how she felt. While I feel she trusted me to tell me, I feel overwhelmed by this relevation. Sadly, I have no counsellor at the moment as the work-related program came to an end. Any advice? Barbara
Dear Barbara
I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling overwhelmed by your friend's revelations. It is of course a great shame that she was abused but she is dealing with it in a sensible way. You have been sympathetic and have been trusted to hear her story. That, however, is all your friend needed from you: a sympathetic listener who believes her and doesn't blame her. You are not her counsellor, nor do you need to be. How she deals with her experiences is not your responsibility. It's not your duty to make her feel betterb or anything like that. You have done all that she needed you to do. Unless she refers to the abuse again, you don't need to do so. If she does bring up the subject, all you have to do is say sincerely, Poor you and It wasn't your fault and You're dealing with it very well.
I hope this realisation will allay your anxieties by itself, but it can also be useful to get what you've heard off your chest. Naturally you will be discreet and will keep your friend's identity a secret, but it may help you to write it all down on a piece of paper, which you destroy immediately you have finished. It's important for your peace of mind as well as your friend's that you don't let anyone else see this.
I hope you are also able to take on board the fact that what happened to your friend is in the past. She is still the same person you have always known and liked. You and she can still treat each other exactly the same way as you always have and do the same things together. In time your current chats and evenings out will overlay any residual anxiety you may feel. And of course if you feel the need to see a counsellor, a couple of sessions with one you find through Yellow Pages should cover this. I wish you a long and healthy friendship.
Back to Ask Anne
