Dear Anne
I split with my ex-wife two years ago. After six months my son who is now 3 came to live with me. My ex-wife did not want this. She says she loves him and misses him ... but does not give me any support for him or send him anything for his birthday or Christmas. I feel my son needs his mother, but the only contact he has with her is when I make the phone calls. His mother lives in America so as I'm on a tight budget the calls are when I can afford to let him ring. The CSA is not able to help me get support from her as they have no powers in the States and I can't afford to do it myself. Any suggestions would be great. John
Dear John
I'm sorry you're finding yourself in this difficult position. It's hard on your lad that he doesn't know his mother. On the other hand, as he was only eighteen months of age when the split occurred, he has the rest of his life to find women who will be motherly to him. And you, of course, may well find a new partner who will be a real, live-in mother in time.
Although calls to the States are expensive, could you write to your ex? If you make it a short letter, fairly friendly and civil and without criticising or blaming her in any way, you could make a couple of requests. For example, is she willing to send her son a birthday card or little Christmas gift? Is she willing to make a fixed time, say once a month, for her to ring him? You could offer to alternate the cost of the call by ringing her the following month, and so on. Once that's well established and she has some positive input from her son, she may be less hostile to the idea of paying some small amount of maintenance.
I don't know if she will respond positively, or indeed at all. You will have had the satisfaction of behaving in a mature, assertive way with your son's best interests at heart. So far she seems to have been using your son's living with you as a weapon, which may indicate a deep hurt on her part. In that case contact will still probably be sporadic and left up to you.
As for the financial side, I wonder if you've consulted the Citizens Advice Bureau? They offer free preliminary legal interviews which will let you know if there's any more you can do. They may also be able to offer you information on benefits you might be eligible for.
In the meantime, I hope you realise what a treasure you'd be for most women: a kind, loving man who takes his family responsibilities seriously, and who's obviously attractive enough to have had at least one partner so far. I'm sure you'll carry on coping brillisntly, just as I'm sure that better times are around the corner for you. Good luck!
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