Dear Anne
I broke up with my boyfriend 6 months ago. I thought I was over him until I realised that he is dating a supposed-to-be friend of mine, which was a month ago. I am now so depressed and hate them both. What should I do? Ditial
Dear Ditial
Thanks for your email. I'm sorry you're feeling depressed and angry. But what can you do about this?
Firstly, I invite you to consider what your hatred is getting you. The sleepless nights, the tears, the painful thoughts you torture yourself with... Do you want to carry on that way? Or, if you carry that unpleasant emotion into action, do you want to show everyone that you're unkind, vengeful or sneaky? I'm sure you're hurt and upset, but it's worth knowing that hatred hurts the hater far more than the hated.
Then I wonder why you have developed hatred for a guy who didn't make you happy at the time? Whether he or you initiated the break-up, if it had been a good relationship it would have lasted. The fact that it didn't means you're better off without him. Let's face it, if you can attract one boyfriend, you can attract others. Why not just chalk it up to experience and move on?
And why hate your friend? You're not going out with this lad, and haven't been for six months. Why should you care if she enjoys his company? Don't you want her to be happy? Seeing as you're not with him, why do you see her actions as disloyal? Friends can like different things and still be friends!
So how do you stop this hatred which must be tearing you apart? You could set some time aside and decide you're not going to damage yourself or anybody else. That would be both immoral and tacky. Having lined up an hour or two on your own, you could then arrange a treat for afterwards, perhaps a bubble bath or a phone call to someone you like. And in this empty time, you can give vent to your bad feelings by shouting and hitting cushions. Believe me, you'll feel better afterwards!
And finally, why not go on to decide you want a better boyfriend than that, and set out to widen your social life so that you give yourself the best chance of getting to know some nice new people, both male and female? Who knows who you might meet?
Good luck, Ditial!
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