Dear Anne
My 11 year-old daughter is being bullied by a boy at school. I have complained about the boy's behaviour to the head teacher but always seem to get fobbed off. I have also spoken to the boy's parents who simply did not want to know. My daughter is becoming more and more depressed and feels less like going to school each day. To make matters worse, the boy appears to be receiving special treatment, being allowed all the privileges that the other children would like but because of his bad behaviour he is first in the queue. This makes me even more angry. Should we be teaching our children to be bad to get what they want? My problem however, is helping my daughter with the situation. What can we do next? Susan
Dear Susan
I have every sympathy with your daughter. Being bullied is never pleasant and at the age of 11 many of us have yet to build up the resources to deal with it. On the plus side, however, she can see that you are sticking up for her.
One way forward is to keep a bullying diary for a month. In it your daughter will record a brief factual account of what this boy has done to her, dealing only with actions and words, not with feelings. Hopefully she will be able to talk it over with you. Together you and your daughter can begin to work out what she wants instead. At the end of the month you will have some evidence to present to the child's head teacher so that you can be specific in asking for protection for her. You could also ask for a copy of the school's policy on bullying. If you don't get a protective response you could write to your local education department, including the bullying diary and explaining what steps you have taken, and asking that something specific be done. The policy on bullying could be a useful yardstick in your letter. At the extreme there is also legal action (which can be costly and very hard to prove). But you might like to start by visiting www.bullying.co.uk , which has all sorts of useful tips and advice from and for both pupils and parents.
At the same time it is important that your daughter learns techniques to build her self-confidence. Martial arts such as karate and judo are good for confidence-building. I am not inviting her to thump this lad! On the other hand these activities do build body-confidence and generally increase feelings of personal resourcefulness. Joining a club can have a knock-on social effect too so that she feels more able to make friends. This is useful as bullies tend to isolate their targets, and often won%u2019t act badly in front of others who may object. If your daughter plays with other children she will probably be much safer, and it can be particularly useful to make friends with bigger kids too. Meantime she may like to visit the library or join school clubs so that she can be in a safer environment at break times.
She does not need to believe unkind things the bully says to her. These are not true but are his unpleasant ways of hurting her. She also needs to value her feelings and believe that she matters. Then when the boy begins his unpleasant behaviours she will be able to shout loudly, top it! You are bullying me and I don't like it. She then has the choice of telling her form or subject teacher calmly and clearly what he has done. She may find other children whom he has also bullied, and together they will be safer. If they are also willing to speak out, so much the better.
It is vital that your daughter realises this boy's behaviour is his choice and his responsibility. He is the bad guy in this situation, not your daughter. It is not her fault and she has done nothing to deserve his bad behaviour. She may like to know that bullies usually have unhappy lives and their attention-seeking is in order to look big or popular because they know they're neither!
Lastly bullying does stop. She can learn to stick up for herself and a kind, friendly person is much more likely to have a happy life than someone who carries on being a bully. I wish her and you every success in overcoming this obstacle.
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