Dear Anne
In January I received an email from someone I went to school with 20 years ago and he told me that he'd had a crush on me at school. We kept in contact via email and 5 weeks ago we met for the first time in 20 years. I was married and he was in a long-term relationship. We got on really well, finding out that we had very similar tastes and interests. We started seeing each other as much as possible and we made love. It was fantastic and I couldn't get enough of him. He finished his relationship and my husband moved out of our home 3 weeks ago. I have never been so happy.
The problem is my eldest daughter (12). She tells me that she likes my new partner but then tells her dad she hates him. My new partner is bending over backwards to accomadate her and she treats him like this. She is cheeky to us both and if I shout at her she threatens to live with her father. The thing is that she is one of the reasons I don't want my hubby anymore. She was terrified of him. He used to shout at her all the time and if he raised his hand for something she would jump a mile. (I have suffered physical abuse at his hands before) My mind is in turmoil.
My partner has even asked me to marry him and loves me so much, but I hate seeing my daughter like this. I have two other children 10 and 6 who love him. He has a daughter aged 9, who lives with him since her mum died when she was 4. I get on well with her and she has told me that she can't wait for me to become her mum. Please advise me on what I should do. Tracey
Dear Tracey
I am very glad you are no longer in an abusive relationship but in one where you are nurtured, loved and cared for. However, while you are an adult and some of the kids are at the accepting stage, please don't blame your 12 year old daughter for being at a more questioning stage. She is bound to have very mixed feelings, and no doubt will do for some considerable time. This means she will be confused and troubled, which will be difficult for her and for you to handle.
You see, kids who've grown up with both parents will see that set-up as normal and to some extent secure. While her relationship with her two parents, and your relationship with your husband, may have been awkward or uncomfortable at times, she knew where she was. Now all the security she had has been shaken up and she's unlikely to be able to see things logically just yet. Understandably her feelings will get in the way.
It's normal for kids whose parents break up to have deep-seated fears that somehow they too will be pushed aside. After all, if one love (yours and your ex's) can end, doesn't that mean you might eventually want to get rid of her too? I know and you know that this is emotional reasoning, and illogical, but that's how most kids in separation situations probably feel. Also the majority of children in her situation will be scared that somehow they are to blame.
She will be protective of you and want your wellbeing but at 12 years of age she will probably also feel she has some degree of responsibility for the wellbeing of her father and will want to protect him too. That dual protection of both her biological parents is almost certainly why she's telling you one thing and her father another. As for her being cheeky, I agree that it must be difficult for your new family and painful for you, particularly when she threatens to abandon you by going to live with her dad. She is hurt, and is lashing out in the way that hurts most, wouldn't you say?
So what can you do about it? Firstly, offer her as much reassurance both verbal and with plenty of hugs - as you can. Let her know that you will always love her whatever she does. At the moment she probably feels torn in two, liking your new partner and thus feeling disloyal to her dad. She needs to know it's OK to like them both! Without going into detail, let her know that she wasn't to blame in any way for the break-up. (If you criticise her father, she will feel obliged to defend him or will wonder how she's supposed to take sides, which is painfully confusing. She doesn't have to take sides!
She knows what her dad's like and she can make up her own mind about him when she's ready.) Any change can feel threatening, and she has major adjustments to make. The changes probably feel frightening, which would account for her being angry. I hope you will help her express her anger safely, perhaps by letting her shout and punch cushions, and I'm sure you will let her know you love her even when she (or you!) feel angry.
It helps if you're willing to listen to her and take her feelings seriously. Make time to sit down and listen to her when there's just the two of you, perhaps after the little ones have gone to bed. It's useful to spend time just hanging out with her when you can, as well. She has to feel she's important to you and doesn't come second. After all, with her existing siblings and her new sister, she's bound to wonder whether she's going to be sidelined and that's a scary thought. By the way, children of twelve never like to see their parents doing mushy stuff, so you might want to go easy on the demonstrations of affection with your new guy and new step-daughter when she's around. Unless, of course, you can also include her in group hugs. The more nurturing you can offer, the sooner she will feel secure enough to settle down again.
But how do you set limits? Rather than offering blanket criticisms like You're always angry or I hate it when youre angry, why not tell her that when she makes cheeky remarks, you feel hurt and let down? You could say that your new guy wants to love her (if it's true) and it's easier for her when she acts with some respect? You could also ask her how she thinks her siblings feel when she yells or is rude. It's also OK to say, When you do X, I feel angry. I don't think it's acceptable. Are you willing to explain or apologise? (She does need to feel heard!) If she's not, you may wish to withdraw privileges for a time.
You may like to let your daughter's school know that your family structure has changed and ask them for their support. They will not criticise you. After all, it's very common these days, isn't it? But this can help minimise problems.
Given time, you and your daughter will almost certainly work things out, especially if you give her all possible reassurance and don't cut her off from seeing her dad when she wants to. I hope for her sake (and for the rest of you) that she soon settles down and feels secure. Good luck!Back to Ask Anne
