Dear Anne
My father was a child abuser and so is my brother. When I found out I was broken up. I had a successful taxi business and that went down the pan. I phoned the Samaritans just to talk. Unfortunately I was drunk at the time. After telling her of my plight, the woman said, I hope you get life and put the phone down on me. That was in 1983. I can't shake it off.
My dad's dead now but it still affects my life to some extent every day. I am 48 and find it hard to mix with people. I have a weight problem which I am trying to sort out. I don't sleep unaided and am so unhappy, quite desperate sometimes. I'm not suicidal though it has been in my thoughts. There is no way I would take my own life. Please advise. E
Dear E
I am sorry to hear that you have been so troubled. It is always painful to know that family members have engaged in child abuse, whether or not you are a survivor of abuse yourself. The fact that your father and brother have behaved in such ways does not mean that you have to, or that your memories of any pleasant, safe times with them were false. Nor do you have to accept any negative views of yourself that you inherited from them. You are the only one who's responsible for your actions and you can choose what you do, respecting your own rights and others equally.
I'm sorry that you had such an unfortunate experience of the Samaritans. It may have had to do with your being drunk when you spoke to them. 99% of the time they are incredibly understanding, helpful and supportive, but it's much better to talk to them while you are in full command of your faculties. However you don't have to accept the opinion of one woman twenty years ago, do you?
You may find it useful to talk to your GP about what's happening for you. He can prescribe appropriate medicine for depression or sleep disorders, and can refer you to counselling. Alternatively you could find a qualified psychotherapist through your Yellow Pages. You are allowed to find one with whom you are comfortable working, and can negotiate fees with them. This may well be your best way of building up your confidence and social skills, as well as dealing with your weight problem. In the meantime you may find it very useful to work through Dr Susan Forward's excellent book Toxic Parents overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your own life. Brian Roet's The Confidence to Be Yourself could also give you a good push forward.
While you have suffered unhappiness for so long, this doesn't mean that you can't learn to do something different now to start putting more happiness in your life. Shy people can learn to make friends and build interests to make their life more rewarding. One way to start is to talk to one stranger a week, perhaps in a supermarket queue. A remark about the weather or the service is a good ice-breaker. This low-risk strategy can let you learn that most people will respond positively to friendly overtures. If not, the person is probably having a bad day!
Happiness doesn't arrive by itself. The trick is to make one moment a day the most rewarding it can be, then build up from there. It takes time and effort but wouldn't that be better than using up your emotional energy on self-criticism and worry?
I wish you confidence and peace of mind. Good luck!
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