Dear Anne
My boyfriend has problems getting and maintaining an erection. He doesn't have stress, nor does he drink, smoke or have any other things that can cause these kinds of problems. How can we help this situation? He gets very down about it, which can't help. Sophie
Dear Sophie
I'm sorry your boyfriend gets so down about his difficulties in getting or sustaining an erection. You're right that his worry about it doesn't help. In fact it could be the stress of performance anxiety which is at the bottom of his problem. Anxiety is often learned. Most guys experience some erectile dysfunction at some time but some of them get temporary difficulties out of proportion and then carry forward a belief that they won't be able to get or keep an erection on future occasions. This can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
It would make sense for him to go and see his doctor. In some cases there is a physical cause which could be addressed by medication or even by surgery but your boyfriend needs a proper diagnosis to ascertain this. Age or hormonal imbalance could both cause difficulties. If physical causes are eliminated then psychosexual counselling could be useful. One or two sessions of hypnosis could also help. Relate could help you both find a way forward, perhaps through teaching you the techniques of sensate focus. This encourages you both to take the pressure off by agreeing not to go for full sex or orgasm for a certain length of time, but to explore ways of pleasing each other and learning to relax together.
The more your boyfriend thinks about times when he's been pleased with his sex-life, the more rapidly he's likely to rebuild his sexual confidence. I hope he will overcome what is almost certainly a temporary condition. Good luck to you both. Back to Ask Anne
