Dear Anne
My best friend is in love with me but I love someone else. I want to tell her honestly about my feelings. How do I do it? Should I do it when we are alone? Or should it be done when my girlfriend is around? Anup
Dear Anup
I quite understand that you don't want to hurt your best friend's feelings. However, you're right to want to tell her how you feel. If she hangs around with you hoping that you'll one day fall in love with her, she has less chance of being free to find someone who will love her in the way she wants. She'd probably be happier if you didn't discuss her intimate feelings in front of anybody else, particularly your girlfriend whom she may see as a rival. By the same token, doesn't it make sense that you let your girlfriend know in confidence that you need a private word with the best friend, but that it's nothing which could possibly threaten your relationship? You may want to tell your girlfriend that you'll see her at a specific place and time after the meeting, giving yourself an hour or so with your mate to break the news and offer any reasonable comfort.
It's important that your best friend knows you like her, you care about her and love her as a friend, and that she has many positive qualities which will enable her to attract plenty of boyfriends when she's ready. Boyfriends who are, unlike yourself, emotionally available. Although you value her friendship you're in love with someone else and you're happy with your girlfriend. Then you can return to telling your best friend that you'd still like to be friends with her and that you're there for her as a friend.
Although telling her in this kind of way is for her good as well as your own, she may well be hurt and angry at having her dream romance stifled. Even if she's angry or tearful, you don't have to be. You can be proud of yourself for being brave enough to tackle it. Whether she'll want to stay friends is anyone's guess, but you will have acted with her best interests at heart and been open and assertive all round. That's the best you can hope for. I'm glad you're such a caring guy and I wish you all the best in the future.
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