Dear Anne
I'm very confused. I've been with my daughter's father for neally 13 years. He has always been a musician since he was a kid but I've only been a musician for a year. I'm 29, he is 35. He always tells me what I want to hear but does not fulfil his promises. In the past he became abusive and beat me for years so I have split up with him off and on but always got back together.
I've always put family values first but he treats me like dirt. I know he doesn't love me as he has said so. I met a wonderful man about 10 years ago and we knew we were meant to be together. I want to be with him but I also think I am being selfish. I've sacrificed my happiness for his and my family's. I'm very ambitious but lately I'm so depressed. I'm a singer and I have no confidence. He makes it hard for me to succeed. He uses my stress against me. I've been on prozac and other stuff in the past. I just want to be happy. He puts everything else first, and me and my daughter last. We have been renting houses for 13 years. I'm tired.
No matter what I do it's not good enough. Believe me I've tried everything. Please help me. I feel like going to sleep. I just want to make it and be happy and successful without being punished for it. Why can't I have it all? Pauline
Dear Pauline
I'm sorry you've been feeling so low. It's very hard to know where you are when a partner gives such conflicting messages. However, one small step on your road to deconfusion is to replace words like never and always with sometimes. Combining this with putting he said around his remarks, you'll have a better chance of thinking clearly. He may sometimes say what you want to hear and at other times tell you he doesn't think you're good enough. This means that you can't trust him, surely, because he contradicts himself? You don't have to point this out, though, if this man doesn't take criticism well. You're allowed to know what you know and feel what you feel, and you can distance yourself from his feelings. After all, he's an adult so he has the choice of how he feels, thinks and acts. And so do you.
Sacrificing yourself for the sake of family values may seem very noble but are you allowing your daughter to have a positive role-model for husband and father? Are you showing her that women don't have to put up with emotional or physical abuse? While you may consider moving in with the other chap at some time, wouldn't it make sense to set up home with just your daughter for a while, so that you and she have a chance to regroup?
Depression is unpleasant but rarely permanent. People do recover from it if they tackle the underlying causes. Circumstances are only one cause. The way people think actually affects body chemistry over time, so in addition to the prozac it's worth finding counselling or working through confidence-building books. And taking more control over your own life in small, achievable steps one at a time gives you a great start in overcoming it.
You don't say what exactly your current partner does that makes it difficult for you to succeed. I'm sure you know, though, that being around negative people is sapping. Why not look at all your successes, however small, and appreciate them? The more you concentrate on the positive, the more positives there'll be.
In life we don't necessarily get what we deserve, but it's what we do with what we get that counts. And it can really to say out loud, I, Pauline, am allowed to succeed and be happy. The more you say it, the truer you can make it. As for why you can't have it all, who knows? Maybe you can or maybe you just have to make the most of what you've got.
I wish you and your daughter the best of luck.
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