Dear Anne
I have grade 3 breast cancer that has spread to my lymph glands, I've had surgery, chemotherapy, radiotherapy and I'm now taking tamoxifen, I was so very ill with the treatment and I am bringing up a child on my own. It has been a long hard struggle, but here I am! The thing is I find myself feeling angry with my mother. Not once in the year of treatment that I had did she come and see me. Some days I couldn't even get out of bed, I could go and visit her and I went as she'd get all huffy if I didn't, I used to cry at the sheer effort of getting there.
When I did go she wasn't very pleasant to me. I was all bloated with the drugs and losing my hair and all she kept on about was how stupid it looked and why don't I get something done about it. I used to get so upset. I am so happy that I have got through all this but I need advice on how to get rid of this hurt and anger I feel towards my mother, leave it behind and move on? Thank you. Laura
Dear Laura
Thank you for your letter. I am so pleased you've come through your diagnosis and the treatment so well. To do all that while looking after a child is a fabulous achievement, so well done! Your story is an inspiration to us all.
Now, though, you feel angry with your mum. I am not surprised. She has been critical, manipulative and demanding when you were extremely ill. Like most people you would have hoped that she would be supportive but this hasn't really been the case. However, let's look at possible reasons for her behaviour. To understand may make it easier to forgive. The forgiveness isn't for her benefit, by the way, it's for yours, so that you don't have to keep carrying that anger around.
Just about the worst thing that can happen to any parent is for their child to develop a potentially life-threatening illness. Parents may feel angry, blaming the universe (which doesn't get them very far) so they start blaming the child. Of course this is irrational but it's more common than you might think. No doubt she was also very frightened, for your sake, for your child's and for her own. As she couldn't handle all this fear, anger and unhapiness she tried to offload it onto you. How about feeling sorry for anyone who has such limited coping skills?
Meantime you could also try writing your mother a letter which you will never send. In it you can pour out all your bitterness, hurt and anger at how she has treated you. You don't need to pull any punches because you'll make sure no-one, not even your child, ever sees it. A few days later you could write a calmer version of it, and a week or so after that, a final draft which says briefly and simply what you feel and what you want different. Then you can enjoy destroying the earlier drafts, and decide whether or not you'll send the final one. This exercise often goes a long way towards getting your anger off your chest.
You will know whether your mother has always been manipulative.
