Dear Anne
I don't know if this is unusual, but I'm in my mid 50's, heterosexual, and have never had a relationship with a woman. My adoptive parents were quite old. My father was all right but my mother was over-protective. She didn't let me play with other children and encouraged me to stay off school. In effect I left school when I was 12. For years I stayed home to be with her, feigning illness at her instigation and claiming benefits. This did me a lot of damage because I had virtually no contact with people my own age, especially girls. When I was 22, I took training courses and found work. 10 years later my mother died. I spent the next decade at home looking after my elderly father. By the time he died I was 41, and I seem to have missed the boat as far as romance was concerned. It's as if there's some sort of curse on me: I've always found women, especially attractive ones, difficult to talk to and make friends with. I don't know why. Older women were flattering but younger ones snubbed me on the few occasions I tried to make friends with them. When I did start going to pubs and clubs I was too afraid of rejection to ask women to dance. I've only ever asked 5 women out but I just got messed about, even by the one I loved. I haven't asked anyone out since 1994. I have had some chances but it's never worked out or they seemed unbalanced or rough. I've never been the type who'd just go for any available woman. I've always needed to find someone attractive and feel comfortable with them before I try for them. I'm polite and respectful but crude, forward men find partners, not me. It doesn't seem fair. I've only ever had a few male friends. I've never been a nights-out-with-the-boys kind so I would have been faithful, loving, affectionate and devoted to any partner. Since my father died 13 years ago I've more or less resigned myself to the possibility of never having a relationship with a woman despite being healthy and athletic, though my face looks old, so who'd show interest in me now? I'm scared I wouldn't satisfy a woman anyway because my sex-drive is lessening. I'd never try internet dating or lonely hearts columns because I want things to happen naturally, and it would be false to try classes in which I have no genuine interest because it can be embarrassingly obvious that you're looking for someone. There is one woman at work whom I find very attractive. She's about the same age as me. After years of silence from her recently we've got talking and seem to get on all right. I'd like to ask her out, but I'm afraid to. Recently, the memories of my negative experiences with women over the last 30 years have started to eat away at me. I feel trapped, too old for nights out, and I don't know what to do. Can you give me any advice? Anonymous
Dear Anonymous
My sympathies. Your adoptive parents, much as they loved you, didn't do you any favours in the social department, did they? I'm sure they did their best but they had their own limitations. I agree you've had some bad experiences, and that's not pleasant. However, you now have a choice: to learn new, positive patterns of interaction or to hide behind your fears forever.
None of us is likely to shine if we put too much pressure on ourselves. And you have been building up even dates into pressure situations by thinking each time that any of these women defines your worth and lovability by how they treat you. How they behave isn't about you. It's about them. Nice people behave nicely and nasty ones don't. A date is just a couple of hours that you might both enjoy and want to repeat. If one of you doesn't, that's fine too. It's not an insult. We're all allowed our personal preferences, aren't we?
The past is not a map of the future. You can make changes, and that starts with what you think. You could take a confidence or assertiveness course. You could find a therapist, preferably with a background in Transactional Analysis, to update your thinking and your social skills (email admin@ita.org.uk to ask for a list of TA practitioners in your area). You could log onto www.confidenceclub.net. You could find a confidence-building CD or DVD. You could work through Leil Lowndes' books How To Talk To Anyone and How To Make Anyone Like You. You could develop your range of interests. You could practise talking to people (both men and women) at singles groups. And yes, dance classes are often pick-up places. What's wrong with that? Loads of women become available through bereavement (of parents they've cared for or of a partner), divorce or moving into the area for work. In your age group there are more single women than men so the odds are in your favour. They're often looking for the chance of love too.
And in all these different places, you have a chance to try new, confident tactics. A conversation is just a conversation, an opportunity both to suss each other out and see what happens if you offer cheery greetings, show interest in the other person and talk a bit about what you both like to see if you have anything in common. You could practise these conversations in areas where the perceived risk is low, such as in queues. It doesn't have to be anything earth-shattering, just the weather and the supermarket or bank. Developing more male friendships is useful and rewarding too. After all, a girlfriend is a friend who happens to be a woman!
Start by learning to like yourself because once you do, the world truly is your oyster. You're never too old for fun. Good luck - and have faith in yourself!
